black and white, green and red.
in this instant, this moment, i'm fighting the terrible feeling of having to learn to let things become the very things i refuse.
maybe it's the thought of having nothing, yet leaving everything behind, and taking my first step forward into this dense mass of confusion. i really can't tell anymore. i don't know anything anymore.
is randomness just an excuse for lousy art?
is ambiguity another word for thoughtless creation?
is irony a term you use for your inability to steer home a purpose in your statement?
i've been so trapped inside myself, for too long now. for too long, i've chosen to ignore a side of me that i never understood, that i've come to hate all these years. trying to face myself, to deal with the problems that make me who i am, has been the most difficult thing that i've done.
we are our worst enemies, because we know ourselves too well.
in a week, i will no longer need these pages of black and white, green and red, and eventually they will become the nothingness that they were made from.
Posted by daren at 10:35 AM
November 12, 2004
proceed, please.
stop short
of this, a moment
brilliant
in itself
yet i
am no part of this
is it yours?
what
or who
do you belong
to
it pours through
eyes
mine, cold
broken
mistaken for stone
everything is hate
about myself
i am stone because i
have become
stone
Posted by daren at 04:17 PM
October 23, 2004
some days i feel too filthy to create.
Posted by daren at 12:49 PM
October 01, 2004
crime prevention.
maybe it's me. too much or not enough.
busy. not enough.
for you.
not enough. oversensitive.
too much. yes. again.
thoughts. transferring. changing.
not speaking.
not enough.
patience, silence, serving. selfless.
too much talking. not enough.
nope. not at all.
maybe i have. some. of that.
wisdom? nope.
don't know. if.
nothing.
get it right, will i?
too much trying.
think. less. too much.
fighting. with who?
myself. and me.
and me, and me and me and me.
you? none of you.
don't hurt. yourself.
with me.
especially. the rage.
within.
keep still. will i. please.
stop screaming. will i.
please.
not enough. too much.
silence. in the library.
please. shut yours.
yours too.
get it right. get it right.
daren. get it right.
fall again. up.
too much. this time.
or. not enough.
get up. too much. falling.
wasting. you. wasting. me.
sorry. i am.
not enough. sorry.
i run. sometimes. i am.
too much. sorry. this is me.
but. change. i will.
try. my best. i will.
future. you.
there. you are. you.
thank you. i know.
i'm not. enough. thank you.
i know. it's hard.
i run. i hide. i hate.
this part.
sometimes.
but you.
are everything.
all.
more. than all.
not.
too much. too little.
perfect.
to me.
Posted by daren at 02:58 PM
September 29, 2004
as you wish.
discard
or ruin
me
as you like
as i lie
here
an invention
condemned
a corpse
a twine
of yellow hate
made
by pain
severed
from eternity
because i
have left
made
one blank
for you
to fill
to take or breathe
and steal
this moment
i've made
for you
Posted by daren at 04:19 PM
September 27, 2004
null.
screaming at myself
damn
damn you
scream i
scream you
hate this
noise, that murderous
thunderous
silent hate
ringing, dying
killing this every
thought
mind
death to
this spree
genocide in this
brief moment
death to me
in mind
Posted by daren at 05:30 PM
September 23, 2004
inadequate.
thanks
tell me again
that i'm
not good
enough
or never been
anything
at all
please
help me feel
more
and more inadequate
please
tell me
i've failed
or lost
messed up this time
or not
made it to
the end
gave up
failed
or lost it
again
now
everything's gone silent
and i'm here
alone
with my voice
in my head
telling me
i'm
inadequate
over
and over
again.
Posted by daren at 11:16 PM
treading minions.
time and date, the place we've left behind.
now that i've walked to the end of the earth, and back, and there again, and back again, i'm beginning to realise what this all means. all this walking and running into the breeze that slows us down, but gives us strength for each next road.
this potent incarnation of self that constantly springs up here, there, everywhere, will stop wanting to make itself a true form, even though it isn't. the heat rushes to my head, and stops me dead in my thoughts. again, i find myself sitting here, thinking, thinking, thinking again.
punching the letters, weaving the words that aren't made to make much sense, it's a crazy emotion that runs through my flesh. neverending pulses of madness, seeking an escape. a prison has been built around me, while i've slept these years away. an insanity has been worshipped before me, even though i know nothing of it.
word after word, the madness boils harder and harder against this steel cage. still, i sleep, awake and sleep. time is burnt to dust from the heat.
dust falls
this vessel, carbon-
made
self-thought machines
created as beasts
were
once broken
remade
constructed with much thought
evil, cold, hard
metal, as skin
we are
Posted by daren at 04:19 PM
September 17, 2004
misjudging.
portrait myself, up round the wall straight on the end.
watch all the floating melodies form pictures again.
sad, not happy means the disgust has arrived.
taken and stirred, another person, mistaken.
arid, desert-like, they form round a pretense.
missing themselves, from themselves and again.
Posted by daren at 03:56 PM
August 30, 2004
the notion to.
here, standing
clad in armour
made
by breath
drenched
in sweat
in tired blood
hurt
confusion
defeat, etched
carved on my lips
i weep
silence
penitence
deplored ambition
and kneel
before
my allegiance
i bow
in pride
in deep revere
still
in evident failure
weakness
frailty
you send
this flesh
a body
of malady
out
to the fields
to perpetuate
the cause
a bow
a salute
again i find
myself
in battle
anew
Posted by daren at 09:56 AM
August 25, 2004
let.
and in the darkness, in the midst of the madness i bow before you and call out to you.
i let myself loose, before you.
wildly i go, in spectacular twirls.
again and again.
Posted by daren at 03:54 PM
July 27, 2004
pending.
pending
again this is
pending
tomorrow our future
is pending
ourselves
and
now i stand
here
as bone and flesh
of weakness
i ask
for your love
to come
enfold me
enfold us
forever in relentless
hope
because i
am hopeless
in this frame of nothingness
as we surge
through the night
searching
for you
i am broken
as i
lay
in shattered pieces
before you
as we cry
make tears
before you
now it’s us
and you
again
pending tomorrow
Posted by daren at 05:39 AM
July 02, 2004
the you tears.
never
have i spent
this many moments
words
thoughts
dreams
tears
on someone who deserves
more
than all this
than all i have
or can give
all
i have is dust
compared to all
you have
given me
as i stare into the screen
this makes me cry again
and again
in joy
Posted by daren at 04:02 AM
June 21, 2004
the you dreams.
to think
you
nearly died
and became
spirit
murders me
but you
never did
instead
you came to
awoke
awakened me
from
the taste
of dreams
only
to find
discover
that reality is
now
better
than the most blissful
dream
Posted by daren at 07:05 AM
June 20, 2004
joy.
quietly
as i run through the streets i’m thinking of you
wondering if you could be real
it’s crazy how someone like you
could be so possible
as i’m closing my eyes i’m seeing you there
perfect in all of your ways
you leave me so dazed at your love
because now i know
that someone could be made perfect
someone could be like you
someone could be so possible
now i’m lost in eternity
because of you, you’re holding me
in all of your embracing love
you’re impossible,
and it’s crazy how you made me see
that someone here could ever be
so perfect in so many ways
you’re impossible,
you’re impossible to me
you are the only one
who will see
who will see
what it means to be perfect
to be so real, yet so beautiful
so beautiful
quietly
as i’m watching you dance in your dreams
you light up the world with your steps
you’re making me fall at your feet
in sweet surrender
as i’m flying through clouds that don’t see
that you are better than dreams
you leave me so dazed at your love
coz now i know
that someone could be made perfect
someone could be like you
someone could be so possible
Posted by daren at 05:30 AM
June 04, 2004
fallen
the night wind whimpers it's breath of death
in the shattering window beside the mat i lay
it calls my name waiting for me
waiting for me to jump in response
i opened my eyes, enfeebled by the surrealism
of death so unconceivable
so encompassed by the serenity of departure
the serenity of cessation
ten steps to a leap
the quiet streets below; you stood
there with open arms
the misty air engulfed my spirit
and thrust me out to your shadow
indeed the demise of my excruciating pain
has been encapsulated by the fall
-between us, there's nothing that can stop us.
your words
are sprites
that i will
never
be able to understand
because your words
are far
far beyond me
far beyond
perfect
to you
do i owe
these words
to you
i owe
everything
Posted by daren at 02:41 PM
May 25, 2004
you.
if i could
express
the extent of
my feelings
for you
then maybe i’d come
close
to understanding
how perfect
heaven is
because you
are
far beyond heaven to me
it’s crazy
how perfect
you are to me
it's crazy
Posted by daren at 01:18 AM
May 18, 2004
you.
i’m afraid
of what might
or could
happen
if i told
you
what you
meant to me
for i’ve built my dreams
around you
to surround
you
with thoughts
and wonders
that aren’t
mine
to keep
but please
do stand here,
still
just for a while
so i’d understand
perfection
just for a moment
a second
and i promise
not to bleed tears
even if
i
wasn’t made
for you
and yes. now i’m sure it is true.
you are perfect.
Posted by daren at 01:39 AM
May 06, 2004
joycie.
at the sight of you
i ran again
maybe away
maybe
but again
you came
as shadows do
silent and formless
sheets of night
a blend
of shades
and now
i
am thrown backwards
far
from where i stood
somehow
i don't imagine
you would
understand
would you
pick up this scent
of tired fear
emotional fits
that destroy me
at the sight of you
again
Posted by daren at 01:08 AM
April 22, 2004
today.
how i love you
is wrong
maybe
i know
but now i know
what it is
how
to tear you apart
to shreds
to pieces
to know
me
being
realising what
it is
to be you
passionate devotion.
Posted by daren at 02:41 AM
April 16, 2004
joycie.
tonight
you died
with me.
now, the air takes on oblivion.
0432.
Posted by daren at 04:32 AM
March 17, 2004
joycie.
i conceal my being
within your shadow
the part where you
take glory
away
from the sun
the stars
the winds and the sands
and even if you tried
to mask
or form a shroud
around yourself
to disown the splendour
that surrounds
you
every mortal
and beast
would still fall
faint
flat
at your feet
and even if
you tried
to steal
yourself
from this land
the euphoria
and elation
that you fill me with
would still butcher me
nightly
to a pulp
of tragic death
tragic death
in joy
and romance
can i
can i die by you
again
and again
and again
and over
again
by you
Posted by daren at 04:19 PM
March 15, 2004
joycie.
have you come
re-entered
into my time
again
repetitive mystery
hiding within its crevasse
of faceless, silent
longing
for you
as it burns deeper
lines
made to separate
in the darkness
i breathe
new mist
for you have
returned
to my soul’s shadow
don’t you sense
this soul that dies
to drench
itself in your reality
to feel
the sound of silence
as you stare at me
in splendour
in ecstasy
or are you asinine
or just ignorant
of these piercing wails
that tear through
the night
from my bedroom window
my crying
from suffering
from how imperfect i am
next to you
you’re my obsession
but next to you
i remain
nothing.
Posted by daren at 09:24 AM
January 27, 2004
joycie.
you never will
come true
don't i know
you're unreachable
further away
the time takes you
behind you
trails of touch
linger
around the air
and i
float past
losing my senses
being drugged
by the thought
of you
now. i have chosen. maybe you.
Posted by daren at 03:45 AM
January 26, 2004
joycie.
i hide in you
i hide in you again
curl my arms inside you
this cheek discovering you
up and down
smooth on rough
weakening my courage
gentleness subduing strength
sea subduing land
this form swirling around yours
enchanted by yours
becoming spirit
losing me to you
slowly dying to you
parts of myself inside
closed eyes
slowly
i know nothing else
but you
you’re all there is
you’re the absolute
to perfect beauty
ardent splendour
you’re sublime.
so sublime.
Posted by daren at 05:34 AM
January 18, 2004
because then it will not end.
isn't this
unreal
thought up
that the night would bring
such charade
to my eyes
insofar as sunlight
now
would kill me
unlike before
now i am
missing.
an escape
from my locked-up
flesh
has taken place
today.
Posted by daren at 03:45 AM
December 30, 2003
clamour.
my poetry
is a way to
make you
think
or die
or scream
or dream
of
killing me.
Posted by daren at 02:43 AM
wallscars.
the buildings fall silent
once again i falter
as you look at me
glassy eyed and lost
yet you walk past me
without a thought
imagining this day is over
Posted by daren at 02:12 AM
December 29, 2003
tonight i'm spent again.
there is much
time
between us
that might
destroy
or spurn
new love
between us
but this
means nothing
for love itself
never left
in truth
you did.
Posted by daren at 12:06 AM
December 04, 2003
the knowing sighs about you.
today
you seemed
more
than i imagined
you would be
frozen captures
of time
beg
your perfect presence
to stay, to mingle
with me
and i am left
confused
at the possibility
of you
the perfect being
and being down to earth really doesn't help at all.
Posted by daren at 02:25 AM
November 14, 2003
imagine understanding.
i saw your feet
dance in circles
around my dreams
tender
beautiful
loving prances
briskly touching my skin
like snowflakes
then i cried
and my tears
tore right through the winter crystals
right through you
and now
all
that's left is
me.
Posted by daren at 01:52 AM
November 06, 2003
rush.
the raindrops thunder
down
each one a dream
as it breaks
and splatters
our lives
always chasing
raindrops
losing ourselves
in the rain
Posted by daren at 02:23 AM
with closed eyes.
today i felt like no one, or nothing. it's all the same anyway.
i walked away again. turned my back. and it's so lonely.
damn it all. damn it. i hate it.
but i'll walk away. again. and again. till it stops burning. i guess.
no one will ever know or come close. to the way we feel. no one.
Posted by daren at 12:30 AM
October 28, 2003
anyway, whatever.
the world turns its eyes again, and i am left here waiting. none of you have seen me before, no, not one. for among the shadows i stand, gently waiting, slowly forgetting, remembering.
alone, left alone. just so i can support all of you, forgetting myself.
forgetting myself.
Posted by daren at 01:31 AM
October 24, 2003
take my moment away.
joy and happiness is what i wish you. smiles and butterflies all through the night. wonders and dreams, intimacy.
as i enjoy
my slow walk
through
the deep
dark
thunderous
storm
thanks.
Posted by daren at 11:58 PM
October 21, 2003
tear along the lines.
this iron feeling. this gut. this pain. it's coming back. now. now. leave me alone. let me think. let me think. what rhymes? what rhymes with hate? other than love and everything in between. is it a symbol? is it a choice? or is it imagination? we need to leave here. now. run far far away. from everything. from everyone. i need to lose myself. away from here. tear it apart. shred it. throw it away. away.
Posted by daren at 04:18 AM
weight.
on my desk
at work
i have a frame
for photos
for two
in one square
a sepia print of where
i laid my head
in rest
in joy
in the other
a split of a road
-the same one
with a truck
wthout a truck
these two photos
speak a silence
split into two
one never
one before
something torn apart
inside a moment's
breath - alive
and misunderstood
of disregard.
the days stretch across my life, as i fiddle with it, adding and subtracting from it, thinking what to make of it.
i'm back. back from the dead. and so are they.
Posted by daren at 04:13 AM
run.
girls lined up, looking pretty, looking through the glass screens and mirrors. happy faces gleaming with smiles of joy or sadness, who can tell? poses of physical contortions, expressing emotional bliss. or maybe pain. combinations of hims and hers, together, apart, holding, staring and sitting and smiling. alone with their pride and joy for the moment, caught in surprise or maybe with intent. people caught unaware, by mistake or with pride. all on a stage, no matter where there are, taking part in a play, whether they know it or not.
i'm looking through the photographs. they bring me to places both back from then, and forward till forever, and here i am, confused. misused. unconcerned. it would be easy to feel the ungainly emotions steamrolling their way through my soul. it would be easy to misuse the moments that make up my today, tomorrow. but it's hardest to tell you, or you, to say that i'm scared. i'm fearful. of all those faces, those people who do not conceive or have no regard, for the things about them. i'm so scared. afraid of people, or these photographs, that lock my nightmares in print. i'm so scared. i'm so scared. i'm so scared of you. all of you.
i am but dust. take me away. before fear envelopes me.
Posted by daren at 03:58 AM
October 14, 2003
you've all left me.
they've left. all of them. left and gone away, as far as they knew how to.
as i write this, i feel the screams of the outside pierce through the darkness, pressing through my window panes. such pain, such desperate cries for needs, for enough todays. there has to be something more than this.
all of you walked out on me. walked away, between the lines.
you lied. you told me one thing, then you told me another. then you took those steps away from me. what did you mean? why didn't you listen? i would have given you anything you needed, and even forget myself for you. why? why couldn't you have just stayed a while? long enough to listen?
no one speaks the truth. everyone's a mercenary. damn them.
look, give me a chance. it's not what it seems. you don't undestand. things have changed and you have to move on. get rid of your mindsets. stop being so selfish. think about someone else for a change. i need you to know that i am willing to give up everything for you. but i'm not sure about what you stand for when it come to us.
yeah right. nothing is what it seems.
Posted by daren at 01:03 AM
October 08, 2003
neverlost.
today
left me
alone
standing here
an empty soul
bare
and only
alone
do you have
the answers to
questions
i have used to
build walls
as fences to
surround me,
protect me too
i doubt it. no one does. because we're always alone, we're always dependent on our disabled bodies, broken hearts and tired souls. i don't know know who everyone is anymore. i don't know who you are. i don't. know.
you are the silence that today left me with. no one's watching. i have no friends. and tomorrow will bring nothing.
nothing at all. not to me, not to you.
Posted by daren at 10:36 PM
October 06, 2003
will you not.
i think i saw you smile. smile back at me. a little discreet, yet not enough not to notice, and my heart became a melt.
i saw the stars in your eyes, and my sight shook, blurred and failed.
for now i see how foolish my eyes have been, before they had seen the feelings that you left inside my heart, because you smiled.
Posted by daren at 05:28 AM
September 20, 2003
glimpses.
the blessed night, freedom of comfort, of rest, has changed. empty souls mark the streets with their footsteps in lines, dragging their heavy hearts as they would a plough in earth. so many stains are left behind by the melancholy that bleeds from their hearts, from their eyes, from their minds. the crimson roads soak up the pain and the wounds, and stay silent amidst the dangerous, whispering winds.
there is no more silence. who has stolen it, stowed it away with abrasive hands? hence, displaying a repetition of your damned nature, your ashen soul. look away, but you'll have no more eyes to see.
because one day we'll come, spent wings in summer breeze and smiles alike, to take you away. away with us.
Posted by daren at 12:52 AM
September 15, 2003
the rain inside us.
urban rain, fill the space with your splendour
the wait has been long, and i pray
that this rain would be the last time
you shift time with each throb
that echoes through my head
i can take no more than i already have
be gentle, dear rain, be gentle with me
Posted by daren at 11:32 PM
September 10, 2003
lacuna.
tonight i am a stolen shadow. an imaginary vessel of what was meant to be, but isn't. i am no one. no one. nothing at all.
"the unhappiness that i need and long for is of the kind that will let me suffer with eagerness and die with lust. that is the unhappiness, or happiness, that i am waiting for."
-steppenwolf, hermann hesse.
Posted by daren at 11:30 PM
September 07, 2003
the shadowcovers.
little green figure
standing in the shadows
and images of me.
the broken me.
Posted by daren at 10:54 PM
September 04, 2003
afloat.
in between, i am stranded, floating among broken lands.
the mist blankets itself softly atop the land, leaving tears on my windows, as i glide across the sleepy currents. there is no more difference between shadow and cloud, earth and sky, because here, we are one with the sun. every moment, every glance is perfect, as i paint it with words. how i wish i could draw, if i did, i would never stop because this place is beautiful, this place only known by numbers.
imagine. imagine all of us were living. living out our deaths. tell me you don't smell death as you pass by each day of life. as you learn more and more of this horrid inhabitance. i smell your fear. please. i beg you. find you death inheritance.
i watch the sky fill with light and the land groan again from its sores, aching from its troubles. how it longs to be free, to be understood and to be acknowledged for who it is, not just what it can do, or what can be done to it. i muse aloud, but also quietly. for this day is bright, and my cover of darkness is no more. sigh. the start of this day, as i tick one off my list of dreadful days.
Posted by daren at 03:33 PM
August 27, 2003
exit gait.
every night, the bulbs in my room are wearing their filaments thinner and thinner. the walls watch me plan my escape. all the blue prints have been drawn and all the pickups have been made. it's just before the "it's about time" time. you could say i'm scared, and you could say i'm scared, and you could say i'm scared. but i need to escape, to take this walk away from here.
there is a violence that burns inside me. a literal explosion of concrete emotions, fueled by hosts of irrational thoughts. people peek in through my eyes and think they know me, but they don't. they merely see me.
i can't take it anymore.
this is the start of many nights. you could say i'm scared, and you could say i'm scared, and you could say i'm scared. but i need to escape, to take this walk away from here.
tonight, i plan my escape.
Posted by daren at 09:21 AM
August 11, 2003
all you.
float me by, all you smiling faces. go ahead. conceal all your consciousness and reality, and instead, display your cunning, beautifully deceptive guise. why do you still laugh into the air around you as though you laugh life into your surroundings? can't you tell by now that i see right through you?
no. i am not trying to push you away, or run after a wind that will blow me out of this madhouse. trying to hide and disconnect myself from the rest of the party is the last thing i'm trying to do. what i'm trying to do is to not be like you. not one single bit.
let me glide won't you? it's alright, we all have to be who are one day. i want to make that day today. because even caring, can be selfish.
who are you to love me, when you don't even know me?
Posted by daren at 04:46 PM
August 03, 2003
bleeding poorer countries.
at least not tonight, not today. another repetition.
help me smile again, raise my eyes again, draw laughter from these lips again. lest my tears are medicine for sadness, teach me to stop crying again. i need to find some way out of here. twisted and curled into a ball of skin and bones, left out to dry, to untangle and unwind.
i've been standing here, looking at the world pass me by. secretly mocking, secretly laughing, secretly judging, secretly admiring, secretly wanting and secretly fighting against myself. tearing myself apart, a junkyard mess of bolts and steel. tonight, today, i have fallen apart, just because i lost myself for one minute.
just one more minute and i could have been just fine. just one more minute.
Posted by daren at 02:53 PM
July 21, 2003
plastic.
i've never done anything for anybody who couldn't do anything for me. i swing along an eager kid with promises that i'll pay him money. i only keep him around because he looks up to me. adam if you're watching, don't be a publicist, you're too good for the job. i lie in person. and on the phone, i lie to my friends, i lie to newspapers and magazines who sell my lies to more and more people. i'm just part of a big cycle of lies, i should be president. i wear all this italian shit because underneath i still feel like the bronx. i think i need these clothes and this watch. my 2000 dollar watch is a fake and so am i. i neglected the things i should have valued most, and i valued this shit. i take off my wedding ring to call pam. ok. that's pam. don't blame her. i never told her i was married and if i did, she would have told me to go home. kelly, looking at you now i'm ashamed of myself. alright. i mean, i work so hard on this image, on stu shepard the asshole who refers to himself as the third person, but i only proved that i should be alone. i've been dressing up as somebody i'm not for so long. i'm so afraid you won't like what's underneath. but here i am, this flesh and blood and weakness. i love you so damn much. i take off this ring because it only reminds me of how much i've failed you. and i don't want to give you up, i only want to make things better but it may not be my choice any more. you deserve better.
-stu
Posted by daren at 06:38 PM
July 14, 2003
substantive.
i lay here sprawled all over my bathroom floor suffocating, letting myself die, as i tear my hair out patch by patch, just so i won't recognise myself ever again.
see. look what you've done. now that you've taken my silence away from me.
this vile place.
Posted by daren at 07:44 PM
June 20, 2003
thought burns.
for the world collapses around me. not because of them but because of me, that this furnace rages inside me. my mind shatters into pain, and i become the tortured soul that lives inside me, the death anthem of wretchedness and pain. for now, there is nothing i know more than this, this dark side. it plagues me, corrupts me, and turns my knowledge against me. even the smoke of fire is as fresh morning air to me.
such is the pain of a soul, torn apart but not enough to break.
Posted by daren at 02:15 AM
the struggle, the irony.
faded night, empty mind, lonely heart, wandering spirit. release yourself. there's nothing left to consider, but there is much for thought. crave. the rarity of the things you cannot obtain, because i think i lost myself somewhere along the line, in between losing and finding myself.
little dream, forget yourself and all the others you've met. there isn't much any more. almost nothing's left.
Posted by daren at 02:12 AM
as we wait.
stare away into darkness, into space. let your heart freeze and numb herself, granting her escape and rest all at once, granting her self-expression and release. she's so precious, more beautiful and delicate than life itself.
i feel myself shrinking in this stony, scary place i call home, i call singapore.
yes. it is true. i am shrinking with the passing of each day, each restless, chaotic day.
Posted by daren at 02:06 AM
June 18, 2003
warm hands.
deep inside, we're always naked, cold and restless.
do you see the solitary me in the same secret way that you see your secret self? you think no one knows how you find yourself in the arms of someone else, but we're all the same aren't we? and why are you sleepless? for the shadows hang above you like clouds and prey on you with hearts of eagles. where is your sense? i beg you to evaluate your cause, before it becomes a lost hope.
my mind is groping again. groping at such unreality.
Posted by daren at 06:32 AM
June 10, 2003
me.
us. the great defender of ourselves. you. the one who thinks they've got it all figured out. them. the others that don't really matter anymore. those. the people who think they've got it all. her. the emotions that have no control. him. the shallow, logic-bound individual. me. the one who runs and hides away.
Posted by daren at 06:21 AM
May 20, 2003
romance.
into the wind we shall
dance footsteps light
by the fairy dust trail
our palms melt into
each other's, a sign
of our souls becoming another
our eyes a sparkle-
a twinkle of magic, inside
we turn to butterflies
i ask you now
before this marks
the end of heaven within
if you would run
away with me, with me
from this broken place
never to return without
each other, or the silence
from a love-filled stare
Posted by daren at 02:02 AM
May 16, 2003
earthbound being. reflect, retract.
and yet we wonder again. as always.
about this life, about this heart. about the chase and the pointlessness. i'm beginning to think we choose our answers and not find them, but let them find us. i can't help but say in the simplest of words: this world is so so very dark.
every second hides another shadow from the light and keeps it closed on us, ignoring us, and once again we fail to see the darkness that lurks within our every moment spent living. so clouded are men's souls that they don't recognise their very own souls anymore, lest they fight for it themselves. but the fight is long and hard, as i have found it to be, even though it be not as hard recognising the need for warfare in the first place.
i am constantly stretched and wrecked with pursuits that render me useless and sick in the end. i am a product of this generation. i am the beast this world has made me to be. i am the evidence of failure and the witness to death. i am nothing because this world has made me nothing.
but i am permanently unsatisfied with myself, for only then will you find satisfaction, and only then will you find yourself.
Posted by daren at 02:30 AM
here it is.
this early morning i walk around orchard road and see many people. sometime they looking at me, maybe they laugh. people cannot see into other people mind so they can hide many thinking of things. everywhere i see has many girl and boy hold hands and show teeth. i see they are happy. i maybe don't need many friend, but my mind wonder about their mind and friend.
i feel like here has block me from outside. here it catch me to the ground, but i wanting to beat it, but very tough. in singapore everyone always very fast tired and becoming weak and people towards others don't trust, think they want to take things away from them. the eyes always looking around in case.
the street is very crowded and foot are seen everywhere. so many in a small small place will have many fighting. all try to be more good than other people. not anyone ever see my face, and no one want to be friend with me. sometimes i think i different, other time i think i wrong. because i think actually there is no more space for me to stand here.
there is no more space for me to stand here.
Posted by daren at 02:10 AM
May 06, 2003
alone.
walking past a store, i notice a man of age. his eyes are of great sadness and his face of great pain. he takes a glance at me and reveals no expression, but i feel the laughter in his breath. he laughs at my youth. and if you listen hard enough, you can hear the moans of his heart everytime he yawns in mockery of this world. he doesn't know this, but i can tell that he hurts from this congested society, and that with every working vein in his body, he doesn't believe in tomorrow anymore.
what a waste, the world is, to end up in such a state. why aren't we fighting for our freedom? why do we not act in revolt against oppression? are we so passive as to accept the daily batterings of this purposeless life? maybe so, for i too, like him, have no more hope in tomorrow, because to live without cause is to fulfill death's wish.
i've said it once, and i'll say it again. it's on nights like these that i feel so alone, so devoid of companionship and society. am i truly alone? i dare say i am, because we all thrive within ourselves, searching for a way out, a means of escape from this prison of flesh.
Posted by daren at 12:39 AM
April 27, 2003
my solitude.
i'm freezing, i'm tired and i'm wondering when this will all end. here and there people walk the streets with such terror hidden in their hearts, for life has taken all strength and will from them.
who are you? are you the one who comes to claim my heart's romance? or are you the season of spring in my soul's winter? are you the scar on a widow's face, as she shuns and hides? or are you the agony of a losing champion?
surely pain must have seen better days than the days it has spent clinging to my very person, my very soul. no, i am not in need, but merely in a mode of despair, a despair of absence that has left me waiting and searching for the one who comes to whisper by my ear.
had i not cast my eye on the sweetest of all apples, i would never have known that an apple could taste like joy. thus, it is the same, for if i had not known you, i would never have known perfection in a human state.
everyday we try to look for someone to fill our lives with, and more often then less, we do find that certain someone.
Posted by daren at 03:40 AM
April 18, 2003
conversations with myself.
it feels faint remembering the empty coffee cups and naked tables as they listen to the conversations that sweep them by, because sometimes the bitter wind comes and envelopes you with everything but yourself. then you find yourself lost.
the night fills itself with the texture of electricity and sweat, yet i sit here idly in dreamy thought, and let the facts turn to fiction. somehow i am no longer amused, for existence no longer dwells within, and there is but the familiar ring of silence that emancipates me.
still, you aren't there, even though you are.
Posted by daren at 06:45 PM
April 12, 2003
the wind on the floor.
let it all out at the end of the day. the breaths of rest and relief and the frustrations in your veins. let your body lay still, and remember the sky, the square of black above your bed. remember who you are and how many steps you've challenged yourself to take. don't ever give up.
then take yourself away from this world, this place. this wild web of urban pre-pubescence. exclude yourself from this congregation of dying bodies, dragging their zombied minds and bodies to the sounds of the wind, and surrendering their rotting hearts to other frail, temporal species.
if i'd stay, or if you'd stay, then maybe we could stop this meaningless persecution. but no. not if we were alone.
this morning, the precocious me is removed, and nothing is in its place.
Posted by daren at 07:30 AM
March 25, 2003
the burden beneath.
there is much to be afraid of, and there is much to pretend. i being to wonder whether there is any hope left in these trying days.
it's really hard to see the road ahead. sometimes it doesn't even feel like there's a road. is it loneliness that drives me to such thoughts? i guess not. because often, i choose to be lonely for the sake of these thoughts. for we are such fragile creatures, yet still, we try to be masters of each other. every little inch between us becomes a mile. a mile of laughter and of tears.
i just wish this world were different. because now, my world is a great divide, torn apart from crater to crater, seperated by the synthetic gap of human irony.
if only you would listen, if only you would hear. i don't cry from regret, but i cry from despair.
Posted by daren at 04:21 PM
February 23, 2003
imagine.
imagine the peace there would be, if all of you left me alone, left me alone,
with me,
and you, with me.
Posted by daren at 07:54 PM
February 16, 2003
alone tonight.
emptiness rings
the shadows of today
as stars shine out
to the jealous blind
likewise here
the colors inside
run red with blood
from hurt that seeps
into my heart.
i just can't remember who i am, and i can't remember why. am i the only one in this corner of the world? are my efforts that frail? do i scream with a shrill, empty voice? or am i calling on the ghosts of yesterday to aid me tomorrow?
remember to sigh. remember to forget. sigh. leave me alone, leave me alone tonight.
Posted by daren at 12:37 AM
February 03, 2003
lest i fear.
sombre is the night
that resides in
the hearts of those
who surround me
lest i fear that
tonight would be
like another day,
another screaming tomorrow.
everyday's the same. another passing into another. some days like today, i feel so alone. so conceived. so perpetuated. i am a moving guise of fraility, a shadow of genius, and the air shattered by a million raindrops.
leave me my guise, or give me your cause, because either way, i lose. no one else ever stands around, only those few. yes. those few, who leave me my guise.
Posted by daren at 12:36 AM
January 25, 2003
away.
it's been a long night. i'm beginning to wonder, to think and to imagine again, both for and about. yet still, it always ends up the same. it always does.
maybe it isn't really about what is and what isn't anymore, it's just about who each of us think we are. and who we know we are. just like it really isn't about breaking out of the box as it is about being trapped in a box, trying to escape. both ways obviously leading us out.
there have been too many if onlys, and i guess i too have stopped wishing. but i know what is and what isn't, and i can never ever change that.
sigh. tonight my words fail me and leave me empty, but no one says it better than sylvia plath does.
Cold on my narrow cot I lie
and in sorrow look
through my window-square of black:
figured in the midnight sky,
a mosaic of stars
diagrams the falling years,
while from the moon, my lover's eye
chills me to death
with radiance of his frozen faith.
Once I wounded him with so
small a thorn
I never thought his flesh would burn
or that the hear within would grow
until he stood
incandescent as a god;
now there is nowhere I can go
to hide from him:
moon and sun reflect his flame.
In the morning all shall be
the same again:
stars pale before the angry dawn;
the gilded cock will turn for me
the rack of time
until the peak of noon has come
and by that glare, my love will see
how I am still
blazing in my golden hell.
-Sylvia Plath, To A Jilted Lover
Posted by daren at 04:25 AM
January 19, 2003
ground watching.
i'm so afraid of looking ahead, of watching the blank empty path that leads my way. i can't help but look away, at the ground that i stand on, and just try to imagine that you're standing next to me.
because i know you're not in front of me, where i wish you'd be, in the shadow of the blank empty path that leads my way.
no you can't be.
Posted by daren at 05:49 PM
December 25, 2002
unfolded.
i'm inside my head again, where it's always night. somehow, i've forgotten the world even though i know i'm not supposed to. i've forgotten everything. everything.
nowadays i just sit and wonder, if this is all there is for now. in moments like these i hold nothing and have nothing, though i really wish you were with me. i'm not the one who remembers you, but you're the one who makes me remember.
shade-baked mornings and beautiful lightless moments, all known to last forever. wordless whispers and velvet caresses that soothe my body with sensations that run through my soul. everything that was anything, was you.
you complete me, you unfold me, the way the night consumes me.
beautiful beautiful you.
Posted by daren at 05:57 PM
December 17, 2002
i love you so much.
Posted by daren at 07:20 AM
December 13, 2002
someone else.
i think i made a mistake
to put you in a place where you don't belong
that's in my arms
you are the fire of someone else
the spark that burns when you're in his arms
i wish that i was that someone else
and you would smile at me in my arms
i know i made a mistake
to put you in a place where you don't belong
that's in my arms
-gordon
Posted by daren at 12:15 PM
December 10, 2002
in reflection.
i love you too much to make you stay,
baby fly away
-corrinne may
Posted by daren at 02:14 PM
November 30, 2002
baby morning.
i wonder when the next day will start. when today actually becomes tomorrow, would you feel it? or would you slide into it painlessly? rows and rows of todays and tomorrows all stacked up in neat piles, just waiting to be handed out.
beautiful you
pride of night
mend my soul's
constant plight
though unreal
and often stark
your light is breath
about this heart
little star, where are you? and where have you been? the journey has been long and tiring, and without you little star, i find i'm losing myself. my guide and my company has been stolen, because you aren't near me anymore little star.
baby
red pink blue bricks
trees line the shadows
dark walls fall in
all's left is silence
false gods surround me
roads whistle past
the sky slowly fades
then you waltz in
would you just stay
would you find tomorrow in today
would you turn back
don't race away
you're beautiful you're perfect
you're no less than all of
a cloud of stardust
your tears are the raindrops
that sweeten my heart and
you make me perfect
your voice is the wind
and it quietly soothes me
and leaves me breathless
i wish you were near me
but then you will never be
my sweet baby
Posted by daren at 04:31 AM
November 27, 2002
hey.
i remember you, yes i do. we've walked the same journey along the same path.
i remember you.
Posted by daren at 03:21 AM
November 24, 2002
look away.
i miss you too much to see you go.
so i'm looking down and away from your eyes.
Posted by daren at 12:40 AM
November 23, 2002
at night.
do you see the ghost in each of us? the bright white figure that haunts us and follows us everywhere we go? it is the image of ourselves that walks us, like the melody that sings in our head, like the melody at night, with you.
is death's bell the attraction of our generation? the only absolute in a world of endless possibilities?
no it isn't, becase if i were dead, i wouldn't be with you.
Posted by daren at 12:55 PM
November 20, 2002
questions?
sometimes i wish the things i say actually mattered, but here i am, trapped between my face and who i am.
nothing matters does it?
Posted by daren at 11:01 AM
November 19, 2002
blogstop aka blogxplanation.
at this point in time, i feel that i need clarify certain things to help anyone who ever reads this load of crap to actually start to really enjoy this load of crap called "necessary soul". ha. whoever came up with that name?
ok to begin with, some of you might notice that i tend to ALWAYS blog about a certain "you". well, in normal terms, "you" means someone. preferably human. well, in my case, to me, "you" can mean 'someone', but it can also mean 'something'. 'anyone' or 'anything'. 'one' or 'thing'. you get the point. and in this case as well, i'm not actually always talking about the same 'someone' or 'something'. so therefore, the person or thing that is subject to my writing, is hidden by "you", hence, adding another dimension to which my art (if you could even call it art) revolves in.
this is the same as words that often repeat themselves throughout this blog. for example, the word "cry" often shows itself every now and then. this doesn't ALWAYS mean that i literally cry. crying is an expression of emotion, not just sorrow, but at times, joy as well. so sometimes when i say "i cry", it is actually short for "i express emotion", of course, this is to be read in context with whichever blogpost it's in.
likewise, silence. silence can mean literal silence, but it can also mean the lack of something or even the "presence" of silence or something. and also, in my nov 16th post, the phrase "i'm missing what i'm needing the most", has a double, a triple, a quadruple, and maybe even a quintuple meaning. it can mean it's literal form, but even its literal form can mean two things. the first being "i'm missing something i know i really really need", and the second being "i'm still trying to find out, and i'm missing out on (or "i don't know") what i need".
there many other dimensions yet to be explored, like the mandy-o-meter(which actually is a self-maintained counter used to measure how many times the movie "a walk to remember" has been shown on my computer), but only in time will they reveal themselves. i'm not writing this to, and i quote "act pro", but i just really want everyone who wonders why they keep coming back here to read this load of crap, to actually start to think that this isn't just a load of crap:)
and i guess it still doesn't change the fact that i'm missing what i'm needing the most.
Posted by daren at 12:40 PM
November 17, 2002
leaving.
honestly, i leave because i don't want you to see me dying, i don't want you to see me sad.
Posted by daren at 12:06 PM
November 16, 2002
i'm missing what i'm needing the most.
i cried myself to sleep last night. that is, if you could even call that long 7 hour period of empty shadow-staring, sleep.
every night i'm trying to fight myself and on some days when i leave the house, i win, but on some days, i don't. but every night it's a fight with myself. i'm trying so hard to win, to defeat myself in the shortest time possible. i'm trying so hard and it's tiring me out. every single night i wake up feeling tired.
to add to that, my stomach just isn't cooperating.
i'm remembering the airport that i went to yesterday, and i'm hoping that very soon i'll be back there, fighting myself.
i'm missing what i'm needing the most.
i'm missing what i'm needing the most.
Posted by daren at 02:50 AM
November 11, 2002
uoy evol i.
your eyes take me to places i can only dream of. on clouds of wonder and grandeur, with your eyes you take me to foreign lands, where i become perfect like you. such eyes of beauty, melancholy and depth, even i cannot understand. for you are far too beautiful for me to comprehend. the least of understandings would be to say you're perfect, because you are by far, more beautiful than anything else.
the skin on your neck makes velvet feel coarse, and if i could feel your skin against mine, i'd slip into an instant ecstacy, and be in full submission. have mercy on me, and grant me a kiss from neck to lips.
if i ever had the chance, i would seal our love in blissful marriage, and be enchanted by your sacred caress forever as your radiance like moonglow upon the land, seeps into my heart, holding me close to you forever. you. the perfect you. no fault or blemish can i find, with someone as perfect as you.
but then i turn around, and now you're gone. almost like you've never been there.
Posted by daren at 11:10 PM
goodbye.
tonight is the last night i shall live. tomorrow i will not wake up. i will die tonight.
i will die tonight.
Posted by daren at 12:14 AM
November 10, 2002
:)
listless are the days, listless are the nights. just leave me alone. everything's wrong and everything's falling. my eyes have killed my very being, and everything that ever was, now, will never ever be. everything, yes everything, is so much harder, when you're not around, little star.
i'm afraid this time it's just me and the heart i carry for you. everything that's falling meets at this point in time, tearing me down so softly, so slowly. over many nights, i spend my sleep, pondering, crying, and i now know why it feels so cold.
because i am without you, little star.
Posted by daren at 01:36 PM
November 08, 2002
this silence.
it's so silent nowadays. everywhere i go, everything i hear and everything i see, is nothing but silence, surrounding me.
gosh i hate the silence that i'm left with. gosh i miss what i'm needing the most, you.
Posted by daren at 01:17 PM
November 04, 2002
cold.
i don't sleep anymore, i just close my eyes and think.
it seems so unreal that each day passes into another, like a relay race ran with the baton of precious time, ever so fragile, deciding the fate of each runner who runs a race that will never end, as he passes time into the hands of another.
tonight is the last night i live, for tomorrow i will wake up dead, and i will drop the baton. i will look away from the finish line and whisper my prayers, and then i will fall. just before i hit the floor, i will reflect and ponder about the entire time that led to this moment, and then, my muse will leave me forever, never to return.
because death in itself really isn't death, it is the living in the hereafter that makes it death.
i don't sleep anymore, i just close my eyes and think, because it feels so cold when i am without you.
Posted by daren at 11:25 PM
October 29, 2002
now,
i'm sitting here, letting the shadow of the raindrops on my window pane form a strange cancer on my skin.
the nightmares are coming back again, rushing to my head.
Posted by daren at 09:52 PM
October 24, 2002
the uncharmed one.
i'm watching my mind
switch faces
between darkness
and silence
like windlessness
turning to quietness
leaving me a charming
breeze of melancholy
which once knew you
but now finds you gone
there is nothing
no, nothing
more cheerless
than a charming breeze
that finds you gone
Posted by daren at 11:24 AM
October 17, 2002
is it time to go?
if only there was something left to give to make it seem worthwhile, to make material of this mess, but there is nothing else, and i have nothing else. will you hear this gentle voice and fill my world with colourful emotions, or will you give me absence, leaving me a mile of sorrows? i shan't ask and i shan't want, for there's nothing more perfect than you.
how i pine and long for any day other than today. i have become a gargoyle of the evening, a grey against grey.
Posted by daren at 11:52 PM
October 14, 2002
when we're broken.
perhaps we forget ourselves when we forget the world. perhaps we're always alone no matter how social we are. perhaps we should give in to the fact that we would never know what's in someone else's mind at any point in time.
i kinda like mornings like these. where the clouds are battling the sun for supremacy of the skies. and of course, on days like these, the clouds win. draw the curtains, open the windows, and let the clouds in.
on days like today, i drown myself in my thoughts. thinking about what tomorrow will be like, thinking about who i am and who you are. thinking about.
little child, where are you? where have you been? don't you know i would never change anything about us? no, no i wouldn't. not even if i had to.
Posted by daren at 12:56 PM
October 11, 2002
this place.
and then we find ourselves on this cold, crusted earth. it's hard to imagine that this place was made to be a separate paradise, far from what it is today. aren't we all sheltered by the same sky, a morphing canvas of light that takes us from one retreat to another?
i find it false that humanity has such gall to call this earth their own, yet not embrace itself, giving it a reason for existence.
now, more often than ever, i do wish i could leave this place, this fragile nation of academia built from selfish competition. it is here where the heart and soul of every person is torn away from them and used as a cash investment for our society. where is unity and expression? or fufillment from a soul-driven purpose? or sacrifice and self-loss for a higher cause? nowhere. for we have given in to an idea sold to us as the comfort of life but without the consideration of our temporal lives.
Posted by daren at 10:09 AM
September 27, 2002
torn.
take these few words i have, like incense, like offering, if you would please. even though the world offers you silk and gold, i beg you to consider this, and everything that i am. i beg you to consider me. though i think in terms of peasant love, and put all else above my own, i can but only do this, for i have nothing.
in personal thought, i know i'm not much, but all i ask for is your trust, and your faith, because my life has been spent as sacrifice, as death for your gain. so you'll soar above and beyond, and leave me again to find your true place.
you might think me a serpent of a liar, but i beg you to believe me, the impossible dream. for you're beautiful, more perfect than a stolen forever. if i could, i would find fault in any of your ways, but once again i'm dumbfounded but this one fact, that you're more perfect than i will ever understand.
i'm torn again
here in my heart
not because of the silence
but because we're apart
Posted by daren at 01:20 AM
September 21, 2002
picturesque.
i remember many a christmases, where the world was grey. everything around me seemed like pieces of painted cardboard thumbtacked together, waiting to be blown away by the wind. this wind, it never came.
because i was the sound and the air of silence, of everything that wasn't you.
Posted by daren at 12:10 PM
September 18, 2002
the one.
it's so warm
here where you are
breathing your silence
under the stars
like perfect romance
or fantastical joy
you're everything i need,
that i love, by far
Posted by daren at 12:52 AM
September 13, 2002
romance.
into the wind we shall
dance footsteps light
by the fairy dust trail
our palms melt into
each other's, a sign
of our souls becoming another
our eyes a sparkle-
a twinkle of magic, inside
we turn to butterflies
i ask you now
before this marks
the end of heaven within
if you would run
away with me, with me
from this broken place
never to return without
each other, or the silence
from a love-filled stare
to be continued...
Posted by daren at 01:38 AM
September 12, 2002
alone.
we tread among
the souls of others
in silence
and in awe, of their faces
we cast around looks
shelterd by blankness
but alone,
our laughters are cries
perhaps we mistake our souls
for purpose, or intent
yet still
we mock another face
Posted by daren at 12:36 AM
September 11, 2002
Sheep in Fog
The hills step off in whiteness.
People or stars
Regard me sadly, I disappoint them.
The train leaves a line of breath.
O slow
Horse the color of rust,
Hooves, dolorous bells-
All morning the
Morning has been blackening,
A flower left out.
My bones hold a stillness, the far
Fields melt my heart.
They threaten
To let me through to a heaven
Starless and fatherless, a dark water.
-Sylvia Plath, Collected Poems
Posted by daren at 11:08 AM
September 09, 2002
consider this.
there are so many nights like these. nights that never end, where i just sit here and feel like giving up. you know, throwing in the towel, bailing out, calling it quits. yeah. all of that. because sometimes in retrospect, nothing is ever worth it. so many people think that being a christian is going to solve life's every problem, but i guess like many other things too, christianity is overrated as a cure-all.
i recall the days i was an experimental adolescent when one recurring theme that played through my mind was that of suicide. i would ask myself if i dared to do it, how i would do it, and even read up on the most effective ways of destroying my very existence. but the basis for even entertaining such a provocative thought was this: what was the point of living when in the end, we all die?
at a young age, i found myself needing to have a point to life. rather than just living out our days while awaiting our very imminent death, i would rather spare myself of life's torture and take a shortcut to the end instead of just living to die. what was the point of waiting that long for our very own death?
to put a long story short, and also to avoid boring anyone who's actually reading this load of crap to death, i found my solution, and i've decided to take my solution to life seriously. very seriously. even though it's really tough.
i beg you to consider your christianity today. consider it deep inside you, where no one can see.
Posted by daren at 11:28 PM
September 06, 2002
why.
Posted by daren at 10:03 PM
stargaze.
there are so many, but none of them matter when none are you.
i know you're more than this, a mystery or dream, but all i want is your face in the morning, and we'll gaze at each other through eyes of elation, telling ourselves it's perfect and almost like heaven.
it's been so long since i looked at the stars, but why won't you stay? not even a while? is it time to go? is it so soon? my midnight cinderella, my princess, my highness, i bade you farewell, wherever you are.
Posted by daren at 10:09 AM
September 04, 2002
us all.
it's me alone
this heart's a spark
and you have the fuel
make or break my heart
for my soul's on display
cold, defenseless and bare
it's yours for the taking
for the loving or hating
so seep inside me
from lip to lip
and take me to bliss
with your gentle kiss
or death be my wish
for i know nothing better
than the eternal bliss
from your kiss of desire
is a kiss more than this
the death of another?
or is painful longing
the placebo for dying?
this mad, wretched, disturbed generation
knows nothing more than gradual putrefaction
of our souls, minds and bodies alike
as we're drawn closer and closer towards death's sight.
Posted by daren at 03:25 AM
August 29, 2002
fragments.
the moon is an open wound, bleeding light into a dark, benighted world. i wish my hands could reach the sky, and tear it apart from moon to moon, letting the world drown to death in a flood of moonglow.
we're all fragments of each other and every day we build upon another, we tear ourselves apart, from each other.
just as long as i'm alive, you're in my every moment even though you're gone.
Posted by daren at 05:28 AM
August 26, 2002
the asian fruit.
so singapore spends a huge amount of cash erecting two asian-fruit looking things and call it their effort to promote the arts in singapore. phooey.
you and i know what's truly going on. ha.
Posted by daren at 02:58 AM
August 24, 2002
ouch.
i would love to write a beautiful poem or pen down a deep, expressive piece but honestly, i feel like i've just gone through a lobotomy. thank god they don't do it anymore. or do they.
no. i have not slept since.
Posted by daren at 06:07 AM
August 18, 2002
as far as i know.
i'm in love with a dream i had as a kid
i wait up the street until you show
that dream it came true
but you never do
no you never did
as far as i know
-Paul Westerberg "As Far As I Know"
Posted by daren at 07:08 PM
August 16, 2002
bearhug morning.
why aren't you here with me?
you'll be gone soon, and i'll be left alone. it's almost as if i woke up one morning without you, and all i have left are these cardboard boxes of memories. everyday passes like rain, because with each raindrop, you're running further away from me. i don't even know if i'll ever see you again.
because all i ever do is want to be with you.
Posted by daren at 11:37 AM
August 13, 2002
tioman.
so here i am with my sand clad feet in sunny pulau tioman, wishing i held a star. the beach is a real comfort to me. i'm beginning to think that god made me a beach person but somehow i got arranged to be born in a squatter settlement disguised as a bustling metropolis. every wave, and every breeze that i encounter is so significant. it's almost like i'm getting to know reality in both its extremes. i guess you could say i'm feeling the pinch of reality, for i have been known to dream a little too much, but then again, if we don't begin to dream, how can we even find our own reality?
oh well, i promised myself i would try not to think too much. so back to the bottom again.
tioman is truly cheap and truly amazing. it's the 2nd most perfect thing on my list of perfect things. wanna know the rest? TOO BAD. IT'S A SECRET. anyway, i guess we all have to find our "tiomans"" inside us. it's something i struggle with. to find a piece of a reality that once was, and hold on to it in faith, but not in aggression.
i love thee.
(pang sai char lor tee)
ANYWAY. ANYWAY. ANYWAY. shed a tear for me, will you please? because every moment is a moment of forever that will never end. always in silence. please.
Posted by daren at 07:19 PM
wisps of stars.
sometimes we linger on longer than we should. maybe presence should be a craft and not a tool. if only we knew who we truly were, then maybe we'd have a better understanding of the world around us. shed a tear for me, will you please? and leave no broken mirrors on the floor. help me to forget the things i remember, and find within myself, another frame of bliss. then maybe i would begin to see light from inside this asylum.
the sweet aftertaste of perfection, will linger on for generations to come.
linger on inside me.
Posted by daren at 04:05 AM
August 11, 2002
pain.
it's weird because there are so few words for pain. oh well.
it hurts. like hell. pain hurts like hell.
Posted by daren at 04:21 PM
downcast eyes.
i wish some nights would never end. nights of passion, rage, sorrow, ecstasy, love and despair. once, dreams were contained in the mind, but on nights like these, i hold dreams in my hands, dreams that tear reality apart. there is no cause for day anymore, for night itself has turned to a brighter day.
then again, i wish i had such nights. sigh.
Posted by daren at 03:28 PM
my memory.
who are we if we lose ourselves?
Posted by daren at 02:06 AM
August 10, 2002
pictures.
it's so sad isn't it?
because all i wanna do, is be with you.
Posted by daren at 11:11 AM
August 07, 2002
if.
if perfection had a name, it would be you.
every moment would be perfect, every moment would be you.
Posted by daren at 03:47 PM
August 06, 2002
gravity.
tonight is a night of tears. it sounds really stupid, but i just can't stop crying. think i'm turning into an alien. i know you're out there, somewhere out there.
everyone's watching you daren. don't mess up.
i'm hoping everything works out.
anyway i've just watched "a walk to remember" for the sixth time in a row. boy am i sad. mandy i love you.
sigh.
Posted by daren at 04:31 AM
August 01, 2002
i remember.
it's morning, the time of day where we feel the least and where i feel almost human. lying in bed, just thinking, just wondering.
i have spent many moments asking why, but i guess one day i'll be out of moments. i think we wish we were many things, but we aren't. ARGH. enough buts.
sigh. why? get out of bed daren.
Posted by daren at 10:51 AM
July 31, 2002
in another place, far away.
so here i am, alone in my mind once again. thinking of the world in my head, and how bendable it truly is. a world that's quiet, where fact meets fiction and fiction meets life.
some say the perfect life is one with kids and that perfect someone. some say the perfect life is one away from everyone else, and some say, the perfect life is all you need. well, as each day disappears into tomorrow, i'm beginning to think that the perfect life is the life that you've found for yourself. anyway, perfection is way overrated.
this is not to say that i am leading a perfect life where every gear is in place and every screw tightened to the thread, but this is to say, that i acknowledge this as life. this is the life that i've found to be worth living for.
the more i think i am, the less i find myself to be.
i think it's easy to cry out when you're sad or hurt, and i think it's even easier to tear yourself up when you're really confused or lost, but i wish we could find truth in it all. then again, the more you try to find truth, the further you are away from it, and in the midst of all this, we often struggle to find ourselves, but fail. sometimes, i just wish it wasn't this hard. sometimes i wish i didn't have such a complicated brain. dumb brain.
sigh.
it's a crying out from deep within, for you. futile thoughts and wonderings, all stitched together with the dark brilliance of imagination and expression. what is fact or reality, that we not take it and tear it apart, revealing its true skin? do we let outcomes be our masters? then where do dreams fall in place? a god the world speaks of, a god that i speak of, will refuse to be limited by the minds of the small. can't you see? strength itself is not found in the might of muscle, but in the brick of mental faith and the fuel of a burning heart.
even though you're far, please don't let go of that which is not defined. let your words not lie nor choke, the truth of what is to be.
Posted by daren at 10:54 PM
July 30, 2002
choices.
ok guys. as some of you may know, i have been offered a trip to europe. but now, i've also been offered a nice spanking new yamaha DTX.
choices choices choices.
help me choose.
Posted by daren at 12:06 PM
questions.
ok guys. this is the weirdest thing that has happened to me in my 19 years of life on earth. i'll explain if i get enough comments on this.
complete the sentence:
you know you need a girlfriend when...
Posted by daren at 12:15 AM
July 29, 2002
how can i fall, when you just won't give me reason.
i'm staring through windows stained with raindrops. "How Can I Fall", an old song by the group Breathe, is my choice of listening this morning.
early days like today should be perfect, and i guess they are. perhaps i need to put an end to all that's in my mind, an end to any sort of expectation for life, or just for me in general. selfish, selfish me.
i just wish.
Posted by daren at 12:03 PM
July 27, 2002
perfect stars,
as i grow older, i'm beginning to think that things in general never end. they just change their form. maybe everything is eternal.
i wish i held tomorrow, but i don't, and i'm living each day like a month. i'm dreading every moment, just hoping for new breath. how can something so right be so wrong? somehow i'm questioning everything around me. what does it mean to accept reality?
i just wish things were different.
srats eht ekil uoy evol i
Posted by daren at 10:20 PM
July 25, 2002
navy blue evenings.
it's evening time again, where work and rest meet. most return home to warm hugs and loving conversations, and happy families are made whole once again, brought together by the ending of the day's labour. some rush into the open arms of their lovers, or lose themselves in the joy of a loved one's company, and some go straight to bed.
but as for others, we have none. but i guess everybody wants someone.
Posted by daren at 07:01 PM
July 24, 2002
listless surroundings.
i'm sitting in the back of cab, watching the world blur from the speed. somehow, it only slows down when you turn to look. it's a reality tainted with sullen expressions and emotions, one that i'm trying to forget. looking out of the window, i think about the familiarity of the vanishing surroundings and realise that it truly was everything that made this normal kid feel supernatural.
everyday i'm trying to let go of the things that make me feel human. maybe it's because i'm tired of being human.
it's the hun of eternity.
goodnight.
Posted by daren at 01:00 AM
July 23, 2002
the repeated mourning.
old photos. old memories. taking mental pictures of a heaven i once knew. it's all the same.
it's just tiring i guess, having to wake up with a throbbing chest in the morning. who am i anymore? have i become my troubles and my thoughts? then again, what troubles do i have? only the ones i make up myself.
relate daren, relate. contemplate life in the length of eternity. and everything will be fine.
PS: Chongming, my dear voyeur pic friend took that photo above. oh yeah, i'm also officially going to keep the word "chick" at the back of my head, and never let it come out. NO MORE GIRL TALK. Vertical Rush, Songs For The Girls We Never Dated:)
Posted by daren at 10:14 AM
hardly no one hears.
i guess we're always alone. no matter how alone we aren't. and after reading esmond's blog, i'm getting into my 'man and boy' mood again. well, do me a favour, and forget today ever happened. forget the world around me.
no other hun.
Posted by daren at 02:03 AM
July 22, 2002
as you sleep, angels take their stand.
in truth, all i do is bleed a scatter of words all over the page. whether with the intent of therapy or not, it doesn't matter i guess. it's come to the point where my thoughts don't even make a difference to me. are our thoughts the remedies to our personal diseases?
i was telling a friend today, how few people appreciate the ability of waking up. imagine one day we all just sleep and don't wake up. maybe that day will be tomorrow.
your eyes are all i need, to lose myself in, to drown myself in. a world apart from me, apart from you. where one is without ground or reason, because bliss has charmed the hearts of us. afloat from our joy, like clouds racing each other across the sky, i've found a fragment of perfection.
it still hurts, because every second i live for, is a thrust further into time, and away from what was, away from.
Posted by daren at 11:57 PM
July 21, 2002
on romance.
so here i am. a few days dead, yet coming alive.
some say romance is the cure for depression. others say romance is the cause of depression. then again, what is romance?
friends, tonight, let me once again declare the death, of romance.
Posted by daren at 08:25 PM
July 15, 2002
tell me nice things.
i love you.
i love you more than the stars.
i love you so much.
i love you.
think i love mandy moore.
Posted by daren at 11:00 PM
out.
i'm sick of getting tortured by myself.
goodbye.
Posted by daren at 01:58 PM
relate daren, relate.
for those who've been around me long enough, they'd have heard me mention that "i want to be normal" more than a few times in the length of a conversation. of course, normal people don't say that.
i think today i just woke up feeling used. in some strange abstract way. no reason why and i can't really explain it though, because i don't know how. it hurts, and billy corgan sure ain't the man for answers.
believe in me. please.
oh yes, my shrink(me), says i should relate to people around more. hence, this is my first step towards normality.
last night, i dreamt i was a james bond-like kinda character. so somehow, i was chasing some weird men wearing stockings over their heads, through what looked like a "secret-agents only" building covered in dark blue glass. the chase sequence ended with me throwing the two men through a window on the top floor of the building. i went downstairs through the lifts and as i walked out of the building, strangely, a whole bunch of my friends were standing around just outside the main entrance, waiting for me. after congratulating me on nailing the bad guys, who were now lying lifeless at some obscure corner, i was told that i would be on cloud 9 in a matter of minutes.
from the corner of the parking lot where we were standing, mandy moore walked out, and guess what, she was walking towards ME! she came over, smiled at me and told me she wanted to meet me. strangely enough, amidst all the excitement and cheer, there was this girl i saw at the corner of my eye, looking at me. i smilled back, but i don't think she noticed.
then the dream ends.
MY DREAMS ARE SO ERRATIC. this was exactly how it happened. it skipped from part to part without sense at all. strange man. strange strange. strange strange strange.
Posted by daren at 11:45 AM
the look of evenfall.
the leaves outside shiver, screaming terror.
i too, dread the night. these days, through my eyes, the night has turned scarlet and you, have disappeared.
insomnia is the sea that drowns me.
Posted by daren at 12:01 AM
July 13, 2002
little star:)
beautiful you
pride of night
mend my soul's
constant plight
though unreal
and often stark
your light is breath
about this heart
Posted by daren at 09:21 PM
July 12, 2002
youngblood, be gone.
i haven't stopped having nightmares for the past 5 hours. to add to that, my head feels like it's going to blow up and my nose just isn't doing it's job. my lips are peeling and my mouth tastes like toilet water. everything isn't right. my heart, mind and body are stuck here, at least for tonight, in this asylum.
as i look around through swollen eyelids, i notice every shadow around the room. each of them are shades of cold gunmetal grey. keeping their vigil, they seem at peace, but if you listen hard enough, you'll hear that their cries are moans for freedom, and they know that there is no hope for he who has been ensnared here.
it is not so much this place that tortures you, as it is the things that absence makes you imagine. for i too have become a shadow, as the nightmares slowly drain me of my blood. there is something inside me that yearns to be, but will never because it is of me, and can never leave me. why will you never free me of my misery and grant my leave from this crazy house that holds me?
i'm choking on every breath i try to take because the fumes in here are foreign to me, but at the same time, each ornament is familiar. the table, the phone, the chair, the desk and the window. all these once represented a connection to the outside world, but have now become teasing laughter, as they silently mock me.
in this twisted place, there is much to fear. terror in itself is made foolish here. each second that passes is a moment of fright that is felt with demeaning horror and each glance is filled with the image of the greatest fear, the unknown.
as i peer out of the window, i feel myself becoming more of a shadow. being human has lost its meaning and existence itself, is meaningless. i await a hopeless freedom that maybe someday, will come.
i ask for you to save me, to grant me sweet release. i ask for golden sunlight to bake my blood stained wounds. i ask for tenderness to soften and clean my charred skin. i ask for summer's warmth, and winter's joy to exist within me. i ask for your words to be the breeze about me.
everyone sees
but no one hears,
the cry of a child
or the trickle of her tears
as her skin turns to bark
from the weather upon her
so painful and stark,
her torn memories, held dear.
Posted by daren at 05:08 AM
July 11, 2002
still life.
the streets are a glitter of light, sending signals of men who have walked their path, to the sky. i ponder a future from a distance, through your eyes. in truth, i feel naked to you and hold no intentional pretense towards your every move. someday, just maybe someday, the stars would shine on me without having to shed a tear.
everything is in a lull. each moment of silence is salt to my open wounds. why do you torture me with this neverending stillness? if i were free from this embodyment of soul then maybe it wouldn't be such a torment, but indeed i am trapped and without freedom from my own intuition.
every word from your lips is a gentle breeze, bringing life to those unrested and struggling from despair. a flower in itself is beautiful, but it does not hold a candle to your graceful being, charged with emotional splendour and iron wisdom. even time in all its force and might, cannot corrode the essence of you or the purity of your heart. you are beyond strength and surpass all perfection, for there is no other similar to you, and that is the greatest fear of mine.
little star, be the light above me and cast shadows against the sidewalk so i know you are with me, with or without knowledge, in or out of silence.
Posted by daren at 10:38 PM
July 10, 2002
just wait?
my eyes opened to the burning sun, and there it was again. the tears on my cheek and the pain in my chest, a sign of things to come.
sigh. some mornings are better left unsaid, because only then can we truly understand why time will never wait for us, let alone wait for each other.
i'm not saying, i'm not asking. then i guess, it just leaves me with the fact, that i am feeling. only God knows why.
go back to sleep, daren.
Posted by daren at 11:18 AM
romancing the stars.
it has been lengths of forever without you little star. i know you can't see me and i know you can't hear me, but i plead with you to feel me, as though you were without sight. stay with me and wait for me little star, because i thirst for even the slightest glimpse of you.
right now, i know you're gone and nothing i do will ever make you stay, for we are human and star, but even in hopelessness there is pride, and even in dreams, are our perfect fantasies made tangible. even though the cruel sunlight steals your very essence from me time and time again, nothing can take away the part of you that you've left inside me.
it's like i've been stung with you, a poison of perfect beauty and heart. and if it were true, that you were poison, then take me through the veins of my very being to death, for only in death, are we taken as one.
where are you little star? and where have you been? i won't ask you to wait for me, because i think you're gone. but if by will, and not by force, you come back out of longing, just know i'm here, looking out of my window, waiting for you.
Posted by daren at 12:35 AM
July 02, 2002
in absence of me or you.
today i was looking for something to scan to express shadow. this is the "smallest thing" i could find that was scannable. the beads cast shadows against the white, expressing all emotion. as some of you may know, this will be the last post for the time being. blogging probation. yup.
this last post was intended to be a "romancing the stars post", but i think i've lost my sense of writing. and my sense of music as well. as well as, erm, ah well. it's all good.
i love you like the stars.
.srats eht ekil uoy evol i
Posted by daren at 02:16 AM
July 01, 2002
the dreams that last a lifetime.
the stain of light on negatives are as permanent as life itself. are memories meant to be forgotten? then what about dreams? i've heard some say dreams are memories shifted and fused together by the subconsious, leaving them either incredibly warped or soaked in golden euphoria.
vengeance i have none, because its only fuel is vengeance itself. but wonder and thought alone, is a form of vengeance. it never ceases to remind us of another moment captured because of a sudden rise in emotion, or state of mind that isn't common to our everday selves.
last night, i spent the hours watching the lights and noises of the nightsky. watching it light up every so often, a spark in dead silence. somehow i relate to it, the way i feel. but in the end, i wake up, and there is just rain. maybe moody weather days like today help me feel better about myself because it seems like someone else feels my plight. but i guess no one does. no one should, for i have chosen to bear it. then again, moody weather days just whisper things into my ears, all the things i want to hear. both about the past, and the future.
i love the rain. the stillness, the shade of grey that it casts upon the land. like a shadow over all our fears, drawing to an end all the questions that hurt each and every one of us. a conclusion to what was, making it what is. all the things that matter don't matter anymore, because the land has faded to grey. you can't help but be drowned by the voice of the rain, letting it fill you from the inside. a painless death that signifies life, from which now spurns once again.
it's so easy to cry. it's so easy to yearn. because it is for nothing. we always wish someone knew, even though truly, no one will ever know.
i've spent another glassy-eyed morning just wondering. just thinking.
Posted by daren at 01:25 PM
June 30, 2002
embrace.
all the colors you once knew, what was red, green and blue, are now one. no further can a color turn black, than it turn white. i often think fear is disguised as a constant unknown. fear by itself, is in black and white.
extended family lunches can really torture your soul. i've gone for one too many over the past few weeks. all the "hype" comes in two forms: 1. wow, look how big you've grown! and 2. where's your girlfriend? you think i've grown big because you have been watching me since i was born, of course one day i'd be big. and i don't have a girlfriend, even if i did, i wouldn't really want her to meet all you freaks. everywhere i turn, i see plastic smiles across their faces, trying to conceal their intentions. if only they knew that i actually had a brain and could see right through them. thinking about it, maybe we all have plastic smiles across our faces, but i'm sorry, i wear a mask. plastic smiles are just so passé.
for a period of about four hours, i've gone from hopesfall to miles davis to vanessa carlton to jennifer paige to mandy moore to mary j blige to vinnie colaiuta to coltrane and thelonious monk to hopesfall to mandy moore to annie lennox to mingus to dashboard to verticalrush to dave brubeck to bill evans to oscar peterson to silje nergaard to arturo sandoval to mandy moore and now i'm back to hopesfall. sigh. i'm one confused little boy.
i've torn myself to pieces and now i'm threading myself together again. once in a while, i come apart, and then the needles pierce through me again. i refuse to say that i cannot handle myself because i do not live for myself. for now, the only strength i have is weakness, and what is life if we don't give it away? the torture of night has become the strain of day, a distortion of what exists.
embrace yourself each moment you are without.
glassy-eyed from the tears, i'm losing myself again. each day a mirror of before. to ponder is to gash my wounds deliberately, craving the blood and craving the comforting aftertaste of healing. what i've lost is what i've gained, not from this world but from the magic above, from the stars above. it's almost like i've held a star in my arms and embraced its eternity and infinite beauty, and drawn from it limitless intimacy of thought. it is true, for i have held one star in my arms, the only one i'll need for forever.
Posted by daren at 10:40 PM
June 29, 2002
where i am.
i don't have many words to charm whoever's reading tonight. neither am i much of a person. i'm sorry, but i can't refrain from the trembling inside, from things i don't know about. this is bad. i'm beginning to doubt myself. but don't fret. i guess this is just a second, a shift of time, in a canvas of eternity. it won't last another minute because i've caught it, i think.
in retrospect, i never was as smart as i thought i was. neither am i as selfless as i think i am. no, this is not a chance for you to comfort me and tell me things are fine. because i already know all that. and this most certainly isn't a chance for me to earn sympathy points, because i think i've given myself enough already. more than less, things are never what they seem.
on nights like tonight, i think we are the only ones who hurt ourselves. we are the ones who trip and fall. it's so easy to find the reasons for being myself, but i guess i don't think that's right. people deserve their freedom. i'm trying to find the reasons to be someone i think i should be. though no one will fully understand the extent of that, i do believe that there are people who can identify with personal identity issues.
as the days progress, i find less of myself inside. somehow, i've lost the essence of myself. for better or for worse i have yet to find out.
Posted by daren at 03:09 AM
June 28, 2002
night till morning.
right now, i don't know what's worse. watching the world go by without having a grip on it at all, or just suffering from myself, resulting in insomnia. in retrospect, i think i should just leave the world alone, no matter what good or bad it brings. dashboard confessional at this time of the night isn't too good. oh wait. the sky is losing it's shade. cruel sun, leave them alone.
it looks so easy, but it isn't. a friend brought up a topic i used to frequently write about, masks. don't we all wear masks? i know these thoughts are more random than the roll of a dice, but please be patient with me. this has got to be by far my worst post.
my mind has taken a dive of a cliff, never returning to me. every moment we're awake, someone's dying, someone's crying, or even suffering. maybe they're dealing with guilt and pain. maybe they're hurting. everywhere, someone's dealing with something. there's no end is there?
what's the point? aren't we always a problem to other people? and aren't things always "right" the way we see it? can't you see? the problem isn't them, it's us. i wish i could express hysteria. maybe i'm doing it now.
Posted by daren at 07:11 AM
nightshade, be my comfort.
sometimes, somewhere else isn't the solution. maybe it's someone else. being someone else. i don't know what's worse, the fact that i can't sleep, or the fact that i am who i am. even though all this is said for literary purpose, it still feels really dark inside here.
okay, okay. the lack of sleep does cause hallucinations. it's just like me to let my mind run wild, to let my mind bend the reality that i've been sliced with. all for a lost cause.
his eyes, once wild with fire, have now emptied themselves. listless, without aim or courage and boldness for the future that awaits him. all the positive agression he once had, is now just a whimper of teary sobs. he drifts from hour to hour, day to day, indifferent to his surroundings. it almost seems as though he were numb to mankind and its imperfection. no one knows who he is anymore. even he doesn't know who he is. some say it truly was society that pushed him into a corner, forcing him to take everything out on himself. others say that he chose to be senseless, so he wouldn't have to suffer the repercussions of a world he thought to be relentlessly cruel. maybe all he wanted was to escape. but then again, don't we all crave sweet release? don't we all crave the tenderness of being a virgin to life? of being who we are? innocent and unknown to the world, passing our days in peaceful solitude?
then, what worth does that leave life with? if we were given the privilege of self-discharge, wouldn't that leave us reckless with ourselves?
it is by far a night darker than others, for my mind is racing, refusing my body rest and retirement from its profound disarray. perhaps i need to run away from who i am and what i've become. i shall say no more, in fear that my sorrows may spill off on you. hoping that no one else will have to feel this way because only in writing are my sorrows alive. no matter what you think.
Posted by daren at 02:00 AM
June 26, 2002
perhaps.
perhaps i suffer from catharsis. perhaps. whatever the fact, i don't think it matters anymore. often have i said, that i am saddest when i am the happiest. often have i said many things, that seem to be in cipher. i have mastered the art of pondering silence and imagining unimaginable felicity which will never dawn upon me. many fantastical tales do i have, both fact and fiction, of both romance and hatred, joy and sorrow, all which matter no more than a feather to me. because life, like trust and love, is a choice. and even though it is said that history repeats itself, do we let history mould us? or is it more important to be than to act in these situations of repeated pasts?
because of choice, my past is nullified, and everything i've learnt and known, is negated. all that matters is choosing your next step. you ask if there is wisdom in this? nay. wisdom is but man's efforts to tag, be it for the purpose of degradation or praise, each and every person, giving them a sub-conscious place in society either on an international or nation level. in the same way, men have used time, age and money as a label for humanity. for what are our bodies with respect to time? aren't we individually conceived and individually developed without relation to time?
there is nothing that will keep you from falling but yourself. but this morning, i have fallen. once again, i let myself fall. far beyond anywhere i've ever known.
wherever you are, good morning little star. even though sunlight blinds me, i know you aren't far. be the angel by me, a guide to my feet. for there still is tomorrow, and i chose you little star, for once, you guided my still, lonely tomorrows.
Posted by daren at 06:24 AM
a night spent broken.
silent rage, you do nothing but tear me apart an inch a night, as if you were waiting for every drop of blood to drain out from within me, leaving life held hostage within a bloodless being. perhaps this wrestle for reason is in vain, and maybe reason is relative to query and life's absolutes, but mere theory. my laments veil this crestfallen heart, for society is a cruel hydra, awaiting an opportune moment to strike.
little star, jewel of the nightsky, where have you been? do my eyes deny me of your presence because i am a vile being? or have i been deceived by the shade of night? some say that the nightsky holds secrets that are a mystery to men. but you aren't a secret little star, and the blanket of night still holds you.
where are you tonight little star? only i know how much i need the sense of you pinned on a velvet heaven. much pain is present because it keeps you from me, like two lands seperated by the body of an empty sea, an abyss of what once was, but now isn't.
i do cry for your lost presence, but in all hopelessness. because i know that a star and a human will never be.
Posted by daren at 04:30 AM
June 23, 2002
tearfall.
the color of dusk surrounds me. it watches me, but doesn't know my thoughts nor hear the voice of my heart. somehow, the dusk knows that tears swell up within me and on those days that don't seem to matter, the tears overflow.
this is the city where i reside. where the color of dusk sets like depression about me. i have lost the privilege of mystery and freedom, and along with that, a name: stranger. in this crucible, many lead lives without circumstance or occurance, for they live for no one but themselves, unaware of their place in eternity. they rub off each other, creating sparks that heat up the crucible which detains them, yet are ignorant of.
tears fall on my skin like sharpened rocks, made from emotion, leaving them colder than steel. uncontrollably, incisive wounds are made on my face and as i dry them in panic, my hands and arms are scarred as well. blood has replaced the tears that were meant to be mine to shed, and no one else's to bear. i am lost, in a place where i cannot cry nor smile because the scars have made their mark, not one you and i can see, but one that is within me, where even i feel lost.
ask not the world from the world around you, for daylight is not yours to keep, and waking up, isn't your privilege. it is but your fortune.
Posted by daren at 07:25 PM
June 22, 2002
wan an.
sometimes, if you listen hard enough, you can hear the earth move. and when you do, you know you are alone.
i can go on and on about how i feel blah blah blah blah blah. but even i don't want to hear it. not tonight daren. not tonight. so i'll be nice and say goodnight. i dedicate this entry to Yvaine, the fallen star in neil gaiman's novel, stardust.
the world has many questions, and so do i. the world has many answers to these questions, and so do i. but few know that wherein the questions themselves lay, the greatest of answers lay as well.
Posted by daren at 05:20 AM
June 20, 2002
5.25am
what is sleeplessness? is it the thought that keeps us awake? in this case, it is. and it is the burning of the thoughts inside my head that keep me awake, a flame that will not extinguish.
tonight it's annie lennox. it is the love song for a vampire from bram stoker's dracular.
at this time of the night, there are many things i could tell you, and though at any other time they would be considered insanity, it is after all 5.25am, and therefore they are legible. would you hear my cry?
even though it is an unearthly hour, it is the same, as though it is 11am in the morning. even though i don't sleep, it is the same, as though i sleep because never have i known the sleep i knew before. i lean back on the backrest of my chair, i play the songs that make me think, make me feel, and i write the world away just because it is a world i have yet to understand. i don't want to talk about anything in particular, i just want to talk. because (and i quote) blogging is an entirely self-indulgent activity.
i'm dead tired yet i cannot sleep. i have the day ahead of me, yet i have not found energy for it. i don't even want to think about anything anymore. thinking of. dreaming about. imagining everything. do i tell you this? or do i tell you that? here i am, in the middle of worlds which i can't be a part of. like sleep and rest. once again, i contemplate eternity.
i am but dust in the wind, blown about by the ideals of a society of people who know nothing about themselves. judgement upon my sorry head everywhere i traverse. i can't help but look down in a falsehood showcase of respect, humility and reverence. how can i not be a victim any longer? it will never be, for humanity has found itself in a vicious cycle of judgement, pride and self-gain. one day, i'll stop the wind that blows us all about, and the dust will settle, giving whatever is important a chance to grow and be.
society, your words i don't accept. your standards i don't accept. your judgement i condemn. your wisdom i despise. your pride, i tread upon. who'll be those alongside me, taking society by its neck and forcing a surrender?
every night i long for you. for you to be the blood that flows within me. the very essence of you encapsulated in me. and in return, my unworthy blood for yours. i crave the taste of joy. but i am a stranger. a stranger who craves that which he is unfamiliar with.
there's nothing i can say because i don't know how. but this is far from where i've come. let the shade of night be the curtains that are drawn at the end of the show, closing the door on beautiful tomorrows. more than you or i know.
Come into these arms again
And lay your body down
The rhythm of this trembling heart
Is beating like a drum
It beats for you, it bleeds for you
It knows not how it sounds
For it is the drum of drums, it is the song of songs
Once I had the rarest rose
That ever deigned to bloom
Cruel winter chilled the blood
And stole my flower too soon
-Annie Lennox Love Song For A Vampire
Posted by daren at 05:25 AM
romancing the stars.
there you are little star. without fail, just a part of the window i gaze through nightly. never seeking attention, but always gently encouraging, gently loving. a million times i've thrown my cries to the sky, but night after night all there is is you. maybe you are the answer.
why are you so far away little star? why were we placed where we belong? you in the sky and me on earth. every night your invisible ecstacy is strewn about the earth, seeping into the blood of humanity, a humanity which recognises your existence as mere nothingness.
my words don't do you justice little star. for i have been sitting here for close to an hour, trying to think up words that would make you understand how i truly feel about you, but sometimes the lack of words seems more appropriate because when someone is in awe, the world about them and in them just freezes. that's where i am now, alone in a cold land that stands still.
there are a million things i want to say, but can't. for there isn't time till daylight comes and steals you from me. one moment spent with my eyes closed and then, you're gone. i will not cast a glance upon you, in fear that you'll fall into my arms again, fall so hard. but i'll gaze at you when you aren't looking, so you wouldn't know.
for now, or for the future, it lies in my eyes. these melancholic eyes. for even tears bring joy and sorrow no longer.
Posted by daren at 01:19 AM
June 19, 2002
solitary me.
staying at home makes me think. going out makes me think. looking around makes me think. everything makes me think. think about. always about. brings smiles. brings tears. must confine myself. confine my solitary self. confine myself to public. don't run away from what is. what was. don't remember. can't forget. must keep my vigil. make solitude my pride.
sigh.
Posted by daren at 12:39 PM
June 18, 2002
romancing the stars.
once again it's cruel daylight little star. do you know i crave your presence every moment daylight seeps through my world? even though outside my window there is nothing but glaring sunlight, it's so dark inside my heart because i am without you. i know you are beyond the skies little star, and though i hurt from the daylight about me, i know you are watching me from afar.
it feels like death, to be in your absence, as if when you were torn from me by daylight, part of me is torn away as well. i've told you before and i'll tell you again, that i would fight the sunlight for you little star. if only you'd let me.
i adore the way you make night feel little star. maybe you make the night come true.
We walked together, lost in our own thoughts. I forget where we were, or even when it was. Then you moved closer, stroked my hair and took my hand; I know you were holding my hand and talking to me softly. Suddenly I had the feeling that everything was as it should be and nothing could add to this happiness or contentment. This was all that there was, and all that could be. The best of everything had accumulated in this moment. It could only have been love.
- from Hanif Kureishi's Intimacy
Posted by daren at 03:24 PM
the morning.
it is morning once again. not a second is different from any other morning. i'm listening to the songs for the girls we never dated, wondering if they have any effect at all. once again, it's me thinking up imaginary skies in my head. they are shades of color over our head, concealing the world from beyond, like the love of a mother keeping her child from harm.
who is to know the smile on my face anymore? is this expression? every night passes through sleepless eyes and raging minds that never end. then again, what do you know?
how can the perfumed taste of perfect dreams ever leave me? Sarah Mac sang in one of her songs "dear god, the man i love is leaving. will you take him, hold him close to you?". never tire dear restless mind, of things both sweet and bitter. sweet being the taste of joy, and bitter being the taste of sorrow.
unworthy am i of the angel that stands by me every day, watching me, whispering to me. her appearance exceeds the glory of a sunset and her mere presence more comforting than a star-littered nightsky. when she is around me, i feel there is hope for another tomorrow. one where the past is in my heart, but my eyes are on tomorrow.
she watches you, but you don't know it. only if you'll look deeper within yourself.
Posted by daren at 10:23 AM
stoic.
there are few nights like tonight. even though i'll go through the usual process of thinking, formulating, reflecting and then feeling, i'll not say a word. with my words, i can tell you the world is purple and that blue is red. with my words i can weave you stories that make and break delights. with my words i can tell you how perturbed i am, but not seem that way. with my words i can always say and tell, but never be or act.
who gives the body its age even though all things organic progress at an individual rate? who labels the passing of the sun into days and months? is it not men? did men not make society? can i then question society? who makes men think himself a man, resulting in the formation of society? did men not make a world for no one else but himself? why then do we suffer now the repercussions of a society built before us? can i question your judgement?
it is but nothing. the way everything is nothing. i'm tired of fighting for a cause that has been made less by mere mortals. a rebel without a cause. how i long for a tomorrow that is brighter than today. nothing else but you can make the silence go away.
an angel stands in silence as she watches and through her heaven sent eyes she tells me about tomorrow. she whispers the world into my ears, leaving me lost in the warmth of her voice. there is such comfort and peace when she stands and watches over me from a distance, yet with such intimacy.
i'd tell you more if i could, but today, she isn't here. for i told her things i never should have, but only because she told me first. maybe one day i'll find the time to tell you about the angel i knew who has left. maybe tomorrow.
can i question your tomorrow?
Posted by daren at 01:15 AM
June 15, 2002
my cry.
today i woke up with my mom telling me about some korean cartoon characters. then about 3 minutes later, she started screaming at me for not packing my room. a while later, my brother started making a big fuss over his bicycle, hence giving my mother room again to scream at me, asking me to fix his bicycle. then my grandmother comes in and tells me i need to buy bread. i nod with slumber-filled eyes.
the house is silent, but your voices fill the air. it's times like these i feel frustrated because somehow it feels like my world is crumbling down on me. i know it's not a big deal, but everyone screams. God hear my cry. be my voice, and be my stillness. i know i can't make everyone happy, i know i'm not much, but God, you know i am trying. won't you just let the chaos rest? i'll take the pain, i'll hurt for whatever difference it makes. just don't let the innocent hurt, please. make strong the fraility of life. their lives.
i turned on my computer and there it was, hopesfall.
The End Of An Era
my searching eyes have never been so intrigued to see you. i guess you found a way to make ten minutes last forever. with each passing moment we drift further away... closer to our chosen paths. but i can't help remembering what was... what might have been. but i have been warned by those who have passed this way before, and to them i am grateful. and as for you i am also grateful... and i pray you find the peace you have been longing for.
-hopesfall
Posted by daren at 03:04 PM
romancing the stars.
goodnight little star. beautiful, weathered star. you've sheltered the world and left yourself cold again. though no one knows, everyday you turn the overcast tomorrows of people who are indifferent to you into clear blue todays. hear my joy lest the light of day steal you away again.
i'd light a thousand candles for you little star. each one representing a moment i spent gazing upon your incessant splendour. i'd fill a room and through the tiny flames, make a winding path for your feet, in hopes that they'll be warm. at the end, close your eyes and let me blow out the candles that once warmed your graceful feet. though cold wind chills your heels, they now have the knowledge of warmth.
fear not the tread ahead, for your feet are a star's feet, who are strangers to fear.
Posted by daren at 04:52 AM
About A Boy.
i've returned from my little trip to kinokuniya with two books. "stardust" by neil gaiman, and "intimacy" by hanif kureishi. just thought you people out there would like to know.
tonight, it's the sounds of miles davis and about an hour's worth of mandy moore videos.
once again, i am in love.
tonight i want to tell everyone who's reading, a little bit about myself, for those who don't already know. yes. this is my sad attempt at being normal.
for starters, i am not normal. or at least i don't want to think i am. somehow i always think 'crazy' people are normal, and the rest of the world isn't. that includes me. i have a thing for cats because i also have this thing for attracting the bite of a dog. i dream wayyy too much to be normal. i don't think i'm much of a writer because i think the best writers aren't writers. this is the same way i feel i'm not a musician because in all honesty, everyone's a musician, and yes, the best musicians aren't musicians.
if this is getting too ridiculous for you, please stop right here.
i believe reality is bendable. it just depends on what 'bendable' means. i believe there is peace in the chaos of chords and rhythm known as jazz. insight and opinion are nothing without character, and i am very attracted to people with character. i also always have believed that nothing beats a beautiful mind(this is before the movie was made. i swear!). strangely and cheesily, i have this strange affinity for the stars. yes. and i tend to write love letters to them.
i'm sure you're bored by now.
nothing beats rain and sunflowers. i used to stay in sunset way. few know how much i long to return to where i once resided. once, i told someone how i wanted to work at the flower shop across the road in sunset way. oh yeah, and nothing beats root beer too. people say i'm melancholic, i say nay. i just happen to be reflective and silent at times, yet at the same time, equally perky and noisy as well. therefore, people are wrong. another thing, i don't care what people think. honestly. there isn't a reason to.
don't feel obliged to stay a while.
there are some people i don't understand, and one of them is me. i am pretty much anyone at random, just like the way i've written about myself, at random. i have sub-conscious toes that tell me i when i am truly happy but don't know it. strangely, i find i love the life that i've led so far, and wouldn't change anything for the few things that have moulded it. though i am far from perfect, i'm trying to be the person i want to be, not the one i'm not. i'm sorry if i've hurt anyone, and thanks for being patient with me.
Posted by daren at 03:11 AM
June 14, 2002
romancing the stars.
it's so scary little star. so cold and dark. everywhere i turn, the streets seem so mean and frightening. many shadows lurk in dark corners and jump up at me everytime i pass them. i'm trying not to scream, but i need your comfort little star. you'll scare them away for me won't you little star? promise me you'll tell the monsters to go away?
i know i have to walk home myself one day little star, but i am crossing my fingers and toes, and wishing that that day will never come. and until that day comes, i want you to know how much i admire you little star.
i watch you as you face the nights that come to cloud you, and how you humble yourself to daylight everyday as it comes to claim your precious presence. something so unnecessary and necessary all at once. the way you never outshine the millions of other stars yet in doing so, outshine them without a doubt. no one knows how precious you are little star, because you lose yourself for the gain of others as you tell all the other stars how beautiful they are, leaving the sky brighter than it was before, all the stars beaming because of you.
i think the world of you little star. you deserve to be a world among the rest of the other stars, but you chose to be a star just so you'll be one of many. the joy i've found in you is the purest, simplest joy i've ever known little star. tonight i bow down and put my world before you little star, in hope that you'll be the star you were destined to be.
though i'm not much compared to you little star, you need to know how much there is inside you little star, and not grow dimmer with the passing of each night. be above me little star, be above and not say a word. please.
Posted by daren at 12:21 AM
June 09, 2002
there's nothing you don't know.
i think the most beautiful thing you can tell someone is that they have the world's most melancholic eyes.
i do.
Posted by daren at 10:13 PM
for those who cry in the dark.
society is but a feather of wind, to be felt without consideration. a mirror replication of everything that means nothing. can i question society? can i question the foundation of humanity? what about judgement? where does judgement stand? can i question truth?
don't cry tears of rage and sadness that bring empty tomorrows of todays.
Posted by daren at 09:58 PM
my eternity.
i turned away again, just so that joy will prevail. if not for me, then for you. it has become like i've lost everything i've had and everything i will ever have. before, every single day used to be another smile-filled day of melody, but now, i dread the passing of each day. i'm living empty futures and blur todays.
everything changes. everything's fine. i guess it's just the way things have come to pass. there are so many things i need to say but you won't want to hear.
i left a portion of eternity in your hands, and you've turned it into strength and character. don't become the part of me that's missing.
there are times you don't think about what you are writing. there are times you just become honest with yourself. and there are times you leave yourself behind just to see what's in front.
look guys, i know this post is real bad and means shit. but it means loads to me. so be nice.
Posted by daren at 03:14 AM
June 07, 2002
in absence,
i would fight the sunlight for you little star.
Posted by daren at 10:03 PM
take me. please.
take me away from this cruel place, where the crimes that take place are as tangible as air, surrounding us even though we don't know it. lightless criminals hide themselves behind the wolfskin of the common man. like a face filled with blood from a heart of ice.
we are criminals, both you and i. shifting behind mock contemplative faces to become the other person we don't know we are, the criminal inside us. only silence can slaughter the malefactor, for they live off each other, each crime encouraging another.
the pain lives on inside me each day without statement or arrest. it has become something so vague, so incomprehensible. a world in which i live in.
Posted by daren at 01:27 PM
to be before.
stars without blemish litter themselves above me, but only one counts.
look above. higher than you can see. that's where i am, where you are.
take me away o gentle solitude, into places of comfort without the exterior i've put on for the day.
calm nightsky, be still, before tomorrow steals you.
Posted by daren at 04:26 AM
June 06, 2002
romancing the stars.
i tried not to wake up with tears in my eyes, and the throbbing pain in my chest, but i can't.
last night i stayed up a while longer, just to watch the night pass outside my bedroom window. just to sit and think up the world, just to romance the stars. i watched you little star. though you hide behind a wall of many others, i've picked you little star, to admire, to be in awe, and to yearn for. your silence leaves me lost, but you cannot hide because you are light on a sheet of darkness. only your beauty can be seen.
even though few have stopped to gaze upon your magnificence, your majesty is spellbinding, for those like myself who have stopped to watch, find themselves lost in warmth that only you can give. there have been many nights where you've not seen me little star, but i am here, watching from afar. do you know i sing for you little star? in my sleep i wonder, dream and long for you and for comfort, i whisper a song to you as i look out my bedroom window, a song the speaks of endless nights ahead with you.
your silence kills me little star, but watching you pass your nights alone is compensation enough for the part of me that is dying. has anyone told you how beautiful you are little star? be my pride little star, be my world and be my heart. guide the path of my slumber, and stand by my heart while i sleep.
please stay little star. please say you'll stay. i'll fight the sunlight for you, the cruel sunlight that takes you away everyday little star. i need you little star. hear my plea little star.
"even though sunlight has taken me away, i will always be there. behind the cover of night or day."
Posted by daren at 09:40 AM
June 05, 2002
5am in shock.
it's 5am. i can't sleep. i am battered by a host of dreams, constantly wearing me down. the dreams that don't ever stop. tonight i dreamt that the world was perfect. that things were the way they should be. but then i woke up thinking it will never be. the pain that comes with it leaves me wounded again. in the dream, my heart is uplifted, but now, it is torn to pieces. how i wish i could tell you the things i can't. and how i wish i could start sleeping without dreaming the dreams i want to dream.
it was so real. it was so real. it always is so real. as if today flowed into tomorrow and endless joy filled the seconds that tick like hours when i'm in the memory of a spark that will last forever. don't tell me that it isn't. don't tell me that the world is uglier than it is, because it is. please. why do i have to yearn for something that i don't have. everynight is the same. just wishing.
tonight i thought that it was different. i thought that it was different. i didn't know that things were the same. i'm keeping gold i can't sell. another dream again. another shock. another night of pleading and longing. i wish my dreams came true.
i woke up in shock, i still am in shock. a shock that will last a lifetime. i wish i knew you. i wish i knew the scent of you. i wish i knew the spoken you. but i don't. all i know is an invisible you. for a moment there it felt like heaven within me, but when i rouse i realise that nothing changes. you don't change i don't change things don't change. sorrow doesn't change.
agony fills me. i'm torn to reality again. the world that once surrounded me has now shattered to the state at present. i feel anger, wrath and sorrow. something i'll never be able to describe. i thought i saw you smile. but it was just me. it was just me. i wish i could sleep again. i wish i could. but i can't.
Posted by daren at 05:03 AM
watch.
even though i've lost control of the worlds that once were, but now aren't, i've placed myself away from everyone. where no one can see, and no one can discover that i'm watching from afar. peering through the shroud of misery that clouds the world beneath me, just watching.
even though response is not something i deserve or will ever receive, i've put a world behind me just to come up here to watch, placing myself as far as i can, yet not so far as to be without sight.
breathe. breathe the air that surrounds you. the way you are doing right now. you're doing fine. nothing else matters. nothing else matters. even though i've chosen to be solemn, it is for reason, it is for cause that i've taken solitude as my pride. find yourself in the image of you that you've found. in the image that you will make to last a lifetime. find joy. find joy in being. living under watchful eyes, under watchful eyes of melancholy.
Posted by daren at 04:23 AM
June 03, 2002
it's never not ok.
outside my house they're building a highway
taking away what once was mine
the dusty noise blurs the road ahead
as the streets become victims of change
from below, the towers of concrete
take the place of clear skies
breaking the link of perfection
leaving nature broken, disconnected
in the same way the highway climbs
i see men wanting to be god
by creating thrones for themselves
and scaling meaningless mountains
most see success in civil victories
but i see failure without a goal
that will last longer than ourselves
or give us an eternity to behold
sooner or later the highway will fall
for perfect are men's produce
but only in a realm they comprehend
not knowing that their fault lies beyond.
i decided to try writing in the morning for a change. it just doesn't work. it needs to be at least after 12.30 in the night before my mind finds a nice place to nestle in and produce juice. this is why.
in the background, there's the voice of my grandmother on the phone talking about everything that means nothing. inside me, the aftertaste of milk and skippy peanut butter (with crunch bits) resides. apart from the music that is playing on my stereo, the only other thing around, is me.
i'm telling myself stories again. i'm talking to myself again. thinking up perfect dreams that end in perfect chords. it really doesn't feel good when you've been torn away from perfection. it's like the way i felt as a child when i was promised the things i never recieved. right now, i am a mystery to myself, wishing that i'd dream a perfect dream and wake up finding myself still in it, realising that this dream has become reality. then again, reality is questionable, bendable. it hurts to have to be a ghost of myself. it hurts more than the world. a world i've left behind.
Posted by daren at 12:53 PM
June 02, 2002
be quiet, be still, be strong.
sleeplessness has been a constant the past few weeks. solitude has become my pride. tonight, words have lost their essence, leaving me helpless for tomorrow. no one will enter this world of silence, where the breath of another is but a fairy tale. a product of imagination. sometimes i wish i were an imagination, or a doll, then maybe i'd get a chance at being normal.
i wish you another night of peace. may you be greeted with the comfort of morning, and the joy of tomorrow, a tomorrow that i used to know, but never will again. how i yearn for another tomorrow, but my todays are spent in silence.
Posted by daren at 02:29 AM
June 01, 2002
in wonder.
deep inside, i wish things weren't different from the dreams in my head, but i guess that's the very thing that is wrong. the fact that it is a dream in my head. don't you know dreams are always perfect?
Posted by daren at 11:04 PM
stark emotions, endless forevers.
i was pretty disappointed that i didn't get to play soccer today. i had to go to the market with my grandmother because my parents and my brother were out of town for the weekend. boy was that entertaining. what a way to start the day.
this morning, it's art blakey and the jazz messengers, featuring wynton marsalis. in a strange sense, i'm so drawn to trumpeters. people like chet baker and wynton marsalis. maybe it's the fact that chet baker lived in depression and died of a drug overdose. cool.
for the whole of this week, i have not spent more than 2 hours on the drums. that makes me disappointed in myself.
argh. if you're reading this, i know how frustrating it feels, because whatever i'm writing is absolute crap. ARGH. crap. EMO. argh. SHUCKS. crap.
i can't understand the way i think, let alone the way i feel. i can't stand the thought of an empty future spent in forever, just thinking about. sometimes i don't even know what i think. one of those sometimes, is now.
if only i had the means to tell you how dark the world is without you, then maybe you'd see that the way i loved you was without circumstance. in all yearning, it feels like a love to me already lost in time, blurred with the memory of a past i keep dustless in my head and warm in my heart, but i want to think that the future is still uncertain and that the emptiness will be filled with flakes of you.
more sure than the morning that comes after sleep, i know only you can tell me tomorrow won't be another day of misery spent in the longing of an invisible you, one only i can see. it feels like you're dead, but i know you're alive.
-in place of esmond, in memory of her.
Posted by daren at 12:14 PM
May 31, 2002
chow an.
i've ended my blog probation on grounds of ineffectual cognition. want to know what it means? check the dictionary.
the same two fuzzy dice hang down like testicles over my lazy moody computer. the same tooth and nail jacket. the same table lamp. the same hi-fi. the same bed. the same hour. the same hour i feel so lost.
a face that's not a face. smiles that are thinner than paper. it's funny how when you are at your most "in-between" moment, silence is always there tugging at you, the same way the streets of singapore scream and cry out in vain. no one's watching, let alone listening.
i've lost sleep. in effect, rest is meant to make you better, but sometimes it just doesn't.
sunlight has lost its warmth, trading its brilliance for the beauty of a star. a star one in a million yet more magnificent than any other. even the skies of day keep their vigil as i watch from afar, in adoration of eternity, the eternity i've found in the things that i'll never come to understand. though no one will hear me, the knowledge of the nightsky comforts me, as i solemnly indulge myself in a sky littered with stars.
the darkest hour is before dawn, when the stars are at the height of their glory. but then dawn breaks, and even though i plead with the souls of a million men, the sun will not let you be kept, and you become invisible once again. i cannot but run and hide from the things i cannot comprehend.
in silence i wish you a little art, for who you are.
Posted by daren at 04:04 AM
May 29, 2002
a mask.
i just came back from about an hour's worth of cycling.
i think this is the mask i wanna wear, at least for now. until i sort myself out. there are so many things i don't understand.
will be back to blog as soon as i can.
wish me luck:)
bye bye.
Posted by daren at 02:28 AM
May 28, 2002
i can't but guess tomorrow.
yet again. the same few things. a sharp pain. a sullen tear. not in my eye, but in my heart. there must be solitude in you. but now, even silence sounds too familiar to be comforting. all i know is the invisible you.
everyday i see people who have grown apart. like an invisible guest to their worlds, i am near but i watch from afar. even so, the valuables that people don't treasure make reality a sword, slicing our hearts, leaving us hurt from the pain. valuables worth more than worlds. trust. love. hope. faith. where are they in me? no where. a soul that is like empty glasses.
today i promised myself i'd start eating right. even though i still don't feel like it.
if you're wondering what this means.. it's a point of view just about relationships in general...
i think its fear.. fear of tomorrow.. that the pain comes.. the tears come... in a sense.. i know its not real... then again, its very real.. it should be... and silence be a companion... so much so it becomes uncomfortable...
i see so many divorces.. so many parents and people growing apart.. i wonder if its inevitable.... i think so much that it hurts.. because i see that in my parents sometimes... i put myself in the shoes of a child.. watching... wondering why people consistently want to take and steal other people's vulnerabilities.. "valuables worth more than worlds. trust. love. hope. faith"..
then i look at myself.. and my very selfish self... wanting my wants and the things i have turned into needs..
you know we only need one thing. really.
Posted by daren at 11:00 AM
May 27, 2002
sian lah, what to do?
wah lau, i damn sian now man.
why?
because i just found out about an hour ago that i will never become a jedi. sigh. i would be the greatest jedi ever. i promise. PROMISE. THE BEST.
provided senator amidala's around.
ARGH. THIS REALLY SUCKS. I WILL NEVER EVER BECOME A JEDI. argh. plspls. i really wanna be a jedi. pls lah. pls. plsplsplspls. plsplsplsplsplsplsplsplspls.
Posted by daren at 10:48 PM
since.
talk about strange. talk about me. the self centred, egoistic, insecure, dopey and depressed individual, the lachrymose individual, me. the uncool me. the sloppy me.
i woke up this morning, with a sharp pain in my chest. with tears in my eyes.
because my bed is by my window, i wake up with the sun in my face all the time. first thing i do, turn on the cd player. probably some deep, depressing, confusing jazz CD, the stuff i like. but this morning, it's dashboard confessional. the emo stuff. music that goes "i wish you were near blah blah blah".
there are reasons for me to run and hide. like my family, like my life, like me. but i can't. i don't want to. even tears have lost their meaning. i wade in a pool of my own melancholy. thinking, reflecting but not moving.
i feel like saying four letters words. at many things. golf this. punk that. junk you. page off.
then again, there's the happy me:)
i love playing drums. i wanna learn how to play the trumpet. hopefully one day i'll be like chet baker. haha. sometimes i wonder why i even like music. i think i just enjoy expression. oh yeah, and in the mood of high fidelity, i will make a list of my top 5 hated things: 5. sunlight 4. concrete 3. sports(playing them. watching it is fine) 2. society 1. the government.
make your top five today. top five anything.
Posted by daren at 04:02 PM
rant.
sick of it all. sick of how unfair the world is. sick of it all. sick of it. sick of it. i really am sick of this crap. just sick of it all. SICK OF IT.
Posted by daren at 02:49 AM
the end.
"trust is a luxury i can't afford. this is why. the price is simply too high."
this is a quote from the book i'm currently reading, still waters by jennifer lauck. even though everyone is being super antagonistic about it and holding it against me, i like the book. the way she writes from the eyes of a little girl.
frustration leaves me wanting to say words beginning with F and S. but i don't.
i love people. depression is a mask. don't you know? :)
goodnight, i'm going to sleep in intervals of 10 minutes. haha. :]
Posted by daren at 02:28 AM
meaning nothing.
after sleeping for about 2 hours worth of 10 minute intervals for the whole of last week, i've gone into another state of consciousness, a mental trip you might say. and you guessed it alright, depression kicks in.
oh yah, nix and ezzo and me came up with a really good name for our VR album. as written.
"songs for the girls we will never date"
gosh how incredibly emo.
chaos surrounds me
inside like it is outside
smiles on my face
but not in my heart
a laugh that's not a laugh
a cry that's not a cry
pain becomes pleasure
the way i don't expect
a cent from anyone
like anyone's got a cent
poets dream dreams
heroes wage wars
daren sheds tears
from dreams he'll never wage.
hey guys.. i know this is really bad poetry... but i tried.. so don't blame me... because it could be worse:] << emo smile. ARGH. EMO EMO. crap. ARGH.
Posted by daren at 01:33 AM
May 26, 2002
break the code.
i'm gonna do a long one now.
yellow surfboards snap into two loaves of bread looking like bolsters shreded and minced like windows showing the diamonds outside on sandpits that look like electronic fans blowing at ants forming pyramids of lightbulbs that crash up to the sky into pink feathers of magic tricks, forming huge quantities of exam papers that give kids their meals at the local barber shop cutting salaries of empty buckets used to hold keyboards without sticks of celery used to prop up swimming pools from m&ms that mount themselves on matches, leaving themselves melted from the cold.
Posted by daren at 02:07 AM
grey in yellow pink, green.
hiroshima back home where radars turn like jupiter falls to the floor of the universe in a drawer of paper clips.
Posted by daren at 01:26 AM
the glaze of a monitor display.
tonight. thongnight. thounite. thonight. topheight. popbite. peelbike. steelbite.
you know, there are days you just feel human, then again, you could feel super-human. then there are two fuzzy dice hanging down like testicles from the corner of my shelf on top of my computer. and again, there is warm wind. insomnia eyes. silent lips. a mind that's here and not here, like it is just over there. the streets are empty, even though i hear the cars a morning away. a walk on mars. red towels hanging over chairs. hockey jerseys. the silent glow from my lamp. invisible music blasting through visible mediums, as though it is visible. remote, clock. silence. me. alone in a room. adventurous mind, wild in spirit, silent in broad daylight. pollution. joy like creation. i never knew this. fear is but a choice, the way emotion is. choice is choosing one. spawn children, some because you are all they need. trainspotting. miles davis. temporal wealth, the wealth i have none of. true poverty, without smiles on their faces. a hunger for nothing, the boredom of reality. at the same time, unreality makes me puke. confusion.
Posted by daren at 01:08 AM
May 25, 2002
the afterbreath.
from seed to tree,
from child to adult,
life's permanent scars
stain pure white skin,
a deep scarlet red.
dragged along by society,
a life forced to form
within expectations,
without a voice .
obvious to the passing world,
but oblivious to their hearts
is her solitude - not in peace,
but in growing chaos.
in the end she stands alone
even though her travels
have brought torment
and with that, fortitude
she cannot hide
for her scars have become white
like the light of day.
not golden sunlight,
but an empty color.
the color of light
a light that no one will know.
everyone sees
but no one hears,
the cry of a child
or the trickle of her tears
as her skin turns to bark
from the weather upon her
so painful and stark,
her torn memories, held dear.
Posted by daren at 12:26 PM
May 24, 2002
there is
there is silence
in serenity, and solitude
the way there is peace
in emotionless thought
life and death alike
just death be a name
for another life
a crying out
Posted by daren at 10:00 PM
it is silence.
on a daily basis, i feel i am killed by a silence that heals. the way people drink poison for suicide, a poison for cleansing.
indeed, it is silence without you.
from my bed, i can see the sun through my curtains, a pale yellow blob on strips of green. a painful reminder of the afterglow that follows a wakeless happiness. somehow i am still confounded by reality, but it is something of little importance to me. i've taken pride in the past, making it a fuel for my tomorrow.
in the end, it is silence without the gentle knowledge of a being without blemish. a being who has no knowledge of such simple truth.
i sigh a common sigh a take leave from thought, keeping them inside, like the rest of me.
Posted by daren at 08:12 AM
a pulse.
all that's left is a path ahead, paved with pictures of a lost forever. a silence i never knew plagues the air around me, choking lungs that were once filled with a breath more precious than mine. inside me i am oceans apart. torn by beasts that i've thought up in artful deception. bliss to me feels the way raw meat tastes, nothing but a vile emotion charged with unexpressed bitterness.
a sullen, blissful rage.
Posted by daren at 12:38 AM
May 23, 2002
in painful progression.
the gloom of morning brings me back to a sense, of knowing truth, yet embracing forever. it reminds me that i choose the rest of my forever.
but things will never be the same, not without the world i had. i long for a nearness. like a breath of scent that is you, which in silence, i long.
without a word, without you, nothing remains.
oh humanity, humble yourself.
Posted by daren at 07:25 AM
May 22, 2002
perfection through silence.
the thought of silence numbs the soul in sub-conscious thought, and without thought, a soul is made perfect in exsistence. this leaves our surroundings in surreal forms of shades; making our habitats nothing but facades.
Posted by daren at 01:07 AM
the silence of noise.
silence is like noise. a constant jarring of nothing encased in a well of sound with only one outlet. both without progression or showing the slightest crescendo, signifying nothing. a simple being not taking place in anything unexpected. making stagnant what wasn't still, thus nullifying its state; a mimic of presence but truly, void.
just like the way colour is.
just like the way there are tears in place of my grasp on nothingness. yet with glee, an emptiness brings me joy. a word i have not, but words in aid of unspeakable expression, written in forms unworthy of this lost presence, never to be found again. in retrospect, a diamond found and never lost, not considering reality.
Posted by daren at 12:53 AM
May 19, 2002
in memory.
the scent of a moment contained in a second of forever, leaving dustless memories that speak of you.
the way i knew you.
Posted by daren at 07:37 PM
then again,
about 2 years ago, in an advertising firm, henry met georgia. even though she played hard to get, he tried his best and did everything in his strength just to charm her and win her over to his side. well, eventually he did succeed, but he would never have been prepared for what was to come.
it turned out georgia had a father who was terminally ill, he had lung cancer. at the same time, georgia's mother was going through menopause, definitely not one of the easiest times in a woman's life. anyway, being the strong-headed career woman she was, having a flailing career like the one she was having now sure didn't help the situation.
knowing this, henry took georgia's place, both in her family and in her life. while she was at work, he spent evenings with her father in the hospital and afternoons helping her mother in their little retail shop. his schedule became timeless, like he was living in another world, so he quit his job and offered to handle the family's retail shop full time, giving georgia's mother time to rest, and giving himself time to tend to her father. she often called in saying that she would have to work late, and would only be able to see him over the weekend.
she did tend to her father when she could, but those promised weekends never came. even though often times he felt he was being taken advantage of, he simply passed it off as an imaginary emotion. some may ask why, but he said it was only because he loved her.
this went on for about a year. georgia told henry how greatful she was for having him in her life and henry lost himself in the forever of returned romance. about now, georgia's company had started growing bigger by the day, and promotions were an everyday affair. she was offered a place as regional director(or a position like that, i'm not sure) and this would mean a life overseas, in new york. she took it without thought, and henry, being the person he was, encouraged her and told her to go do what she had to do. sad as he was, he never said a word about how he really felt. i guess he wanted it to come from inside her, and not as a reaction to what he had to say. he longed for her to tell him that she would stay.
because of the constant flow of hospital bills from her father's treatment, georgia didn't have a lot of money. henry told her to go abroad and make lots of money so that when she came back to visit, they could buy themselves the world. in the meantime, he sold off everything he owned, and managed to come up with about 7 thousand dollars. with this, georgia left in a flurry of kisses and hugs. telling him how much she'll miss him. then she was gone.
she's been away for about 8 months now, and all the while she was gone, henry kept calling her at least twice a week just to see how things were. she seemed okay, he thought to himself. at least she sounded really happy to be abroad.
two weeks ago, she came back. she called henry at her parent's shop, and told him she needed to meet him. at the end of a lunchtime that lasted no more than half an hour, henry found out more than he needed to know.
it turned out georgia had met someone. not only that, but they were engaged as well. henry asked her why. and all that georgia could say was that she hadn't seen him in a long time and had left him out of her mind for the period she was there. henry asked why she didn't tell him sooner. she told him that work was taking up a lot of her time. i'll bet it didn't take up any of your time with your new fiance, henry thought to himself. henry, i think i just got sick of you. i can't explain it, but i just never thought much about you. i'm sorry.
Posted by daren at 07:30 PM
who's right?
today, i'm going to meet a certain someone who has proven to me that girls aren't as sweet as they are. in fact, in this case, they are scum. i feel so sad for this certain someone because he has been torn from tip to toe so much so that the stage that he's at right now has gone past anger, depression, and now, he's on the verge of suicide. i'll explain soon. very soon.
now i know nice guys always finish last. trust me.
Posted by daren at 02:30 PM
0338 hrs
its 3.30am. i am faced with yet another sleepless night. eyes of insomnia caused by more reasons than i can think of.
i stand my ground, and it is this: the world is wrong.
Posted by daren at 03:38 AM
wan an.
for most part of my life, i've tried my very best to be a giving person. i don't regret it, but now in retrospect, i wonder why. i'll leave myself on the floor once again. just wishing that the stars will fall down tonight.
cheers
goodnight daren.
Posted by daren at 12:56 AM
questions?
guys, i've been a fan of this girl ever since her first album. check out silje nergaard
the night grows cold. far beyond anything i've felt before. it's a night different from others but no matter what happens, tonight will remain tonight. for the clueless mortal, it boils down to life or death, acceptance or suicide. let the sensible one choose life, acceptance. then again, what is acceptance?
is acceptance the key to eternal bliss? then again, should we expect gratitude? i doubt we should.
everyday i'm learning to breathe. then again, aren't we all breathing already?
sometimes i wish the sky understood the sea, even though they make the horizon. still, there is eternal seperation by a space of nothingness, of air. the same air i feel inside me.
question forever. question culture. question truth. question society. question pain. question yourself.
sometimes, i think that you'll never understand me. yes. you. and i don't think i'll ever understand myself. yes. me. let alone wonder. in both reality and dream.
Posted by daren at 12:36 AM
May 18, 2002
a little art, for who you are.
i dreamt we danced
on the rings of saturn
with the feathers of doves
as carpet for our feet
with the stars by our side
and moonlight for company
it's an endless eternity
spent in tireless glory
the world passes by us
sometimes, underneath us
and ever so often
we feel unforgotten
the world from up here
is but a blur in space
rainbow shades and color
like all i see in your face
the world about you
the world inside you
means millions to hold you
and diamonds to know you
but far from space
lies this wrinkled heart
and all i have
is a little art
a dream, a theory
without regard
of truth or reality
which i have depart
to come to know you
to come to love you
to give a life to you
to give the world to you
such is the truth
of a fact
of a dream
far beyond,
so impossible.
Posted by daren at 09:05 PM
silent chaos.
there's a constant friction inside me between soul and body; mind and heart. a fine appearance that lasts no longer than a second, the way the bodies of mortals rot into the ground, making earth. like romance once remembered, now forgotten, traded in for ill theories and harmful blown up misconceptions on love and such; which will remain fully misunderstood forever.
thoughts are but facades
they cloud the mind in blindness
the heart it commands but thoughts
and feelings that seem so mindless
oh yah, and just to let those of you who don't know already, i truly am infatutated with jazz. because it is a the same time so simple, yet so complex, so happy, yet so sad and so easy yet so difficult. this truly is music. and the only good jazz is unselfish jazz. gosh. nothing beats it.
Posted by daren at 08:56 PM
May 16, 2002
come forth forever.
where is the eternity that drags my mind apart? an eternity spent in languish. empty yearning.
where? where are you? do you not hear my cries in the dark, eternity? do you not see me dry my eyes from tears spent on macabre mornings? or are you without sense? are you inhuman?
i leave myself on the floor, and let you tread and trample a lifetime out of me. only if you'll promise me you'll take eternity and make it yours. making it a home of love, and promise.
Posted by daren at 06:35 PM
skippy peanut butter sandwiches with red orange juice.
i promised myself i'd write happy bloggs, i've also promised myself i'd try. but as you can see, the value of my blogg is and has been at its all time lowest.
i think when i've lost something, and it grows on me, i forget how to write. like the way speech and thought give way to tears and emotion when someone dies. likewise, a part of me has died, and silence is the only cure. a voice no one will hear. no one can hear.
Posted by daren at 01:18 AM
May 14, 2002
what color?
the world is your canvas, and life, your palette. choose your colours, make art, paint magic.
i think my pallette has two colors, black and white, and the only colors i make are scales of grey.
sigh:)
Posted by daren at 10:15 AM
May 13, 2002
the beauty of before 1030
of late, i've been trying to get up early to go practice drums, and i must say i am truly starting to appreciate the beauty of before 1030. dragging pillow around the house, blogging while my mind is still half conscious(my favourite time of the mind), and just feeling like the morning. its like the way i've come to appreciate heat. it's damn freaking abstract and dumb. i'll let you call me names. but its true. not that i don't say its hot, i just try to enjoy it at times. haha. anyway. anyway.
nothing else matters more than what you know matters to me.
Posted by daren at 10:01 AM
Liac.
i've left forever alone once again.
i was talking to a friend yesterday about love. my statement was this: that love is a choice. i've made this statement many times before and i'm glad i've found many who've found truth in this and even come to discover this for themselves as well. to me this statement gives emotion many dark, invisible undertones, and it even makes love cold. but maybe that's the core of emotion. coldness.
i wonder,
if love is a choice, why do people fall out of it? or is it just hard to make choices when it comes along with age? what's the point? or is this just a very 'christian' notion, that love is a choice?
love is a choice. or is it?
Posted by daren at 09:51 AM
busk busk busk
the next thing up on my list apart from my medical check up is to apply for my busking license.
any ideas what i should do?
i was thinking of standing there and just reading my morbid, melancholic, depressing poems over and over again, and somehow affecting singapore's passing society and injecting it with soul.
or maybe i'll just stick to drums.
Posted by daren at 12:47 AM
May 12, 2002
done.
now i'm happy:) cept that the empty cd cases feel like empty caskets to me. boy am i frustrated. anyway.
Posted by daren at 01:51 AM
the night ahead
tonight is a night, left for myself to be a night, to contemplate. not in depression, but in all seriousness.
but first, let me sort out my CD collection:)
i still can't sleep.
a thought:
i don't think anyone will understand me. i don't think you will, and i don't think i will. we all have a lifetime's worth to understand ourselves.
its not you, its just me.
Posted by daren at 01:03 AM
i can't.
i can't sleep.
tonight was really a good night. at least it ended as one.
i can't sleep.
i can't write.
i can't sleep.
i'm sick of myself, though i'm not sure why. think its just because i think i'm an asshole. doing dumb things. yeah. that's about right.
tomorrow's sunday. just another day for the sun to gleam with molten gold.
Posted by daren at 12:47 AM
joy, the end of sadness.
from today onwards, this is going to be a happy blogg.
this i promised myself.
Posted by daren at 12:07 AM
May 11, 2002
zen.
in the shadow of melancholy, i rest a tired head and let down a heavy heart. far beyond tomorrow's sunlight is yet another unknown faced with lost emotions found with the passing of a day. an essence of irony i have become.
i am left with a monotone variety of nothing.
Posted by daren at 10:41 AM
May 09, 2002
needles, pain, depression and love.
it doesn't hurt. feels just like an ant-bite.
my ass. my sorry yellow ass.
Posted by daren at 06:10 PM
moody musician thursday.
it's moody musician thursday today.
for those who do know, i am a drummer. the thing about drumming is how physical it is compared to other instruments. hence, you kinda really need to be in a really good mood to play or practice for long hours. that's probably why i only spent about 1 hour practising today. i think musicians need to put emotions on top of music once a while, the way i did today. it seems like emotion is the only link between people and music. same for art and other forms of expression.
crap. daren stop talking crap again. ARGH. stop talking crap. CRAP CRAP.
and then there was silence.
*the crowd is stunned at the normality of daren's post*
honestly i have no idea what i'm saying. depression confuses emotion and thought. making them irrational. i told a few friends before how i was an expert in the shades of depression. one of the few things i can boast about. my contribution- depression is thought defined as emotion and vice versa.
nothing changes. my mind goes on. thinks on. doesn't move on.
Posted by daren at 05:12 PM
May 08, 2002
something's missing. you are.
twisted are the hearts of men. they pride themselves with worthless creation that leaves their bodies burnt from the struggle, the empty struggle for power. without humility, downfall will be behind and in front of them. an empty future found in a broken past.
when will you realise that things will never change? i need you more than anything. don't leave. don't leave.
i wept myself to sleep, just so you'll hear me, and ask me how i am. but you didn't.
Posted by daren at 12:48 PM
May 07, 2002
her.
just know, that i'll be watching over you. whenever you take a step, or when you stop to take a breath. don't look back against the wind, just look forward with it, and feel safe and warm, with the knowledge that from above, i am watching you. even though i can't be near you, take peace in the past when i was closer, but don't embrace it like the future. instead, breathe the past to fuel the future, and then put it aside.
it seems like forever, to catch a glimpse of your glory, tainted with sweetness, making the sunlight that falls on your face, like gold in all its resplendence.
don't tell me what you feel, because i'm afraid. what i feel, you understand without a fault, just like you are, spotless, making perfect imperfect.
from above. watch me from above. and if you can't see me, rest in the knowledge that i am a whisper away.
Posted by daren at 12:04 AM
May 05, 2002
you.
you're gone. as fast as silence leaves, your being is swept away by winds of circumstance, a failing circumstance. even i am dumbfounded by my own queries and it crawls back into me, though i think it would be senseless to entertain myself. even tears have lost their meaning, for a cry has grown deeper within me. a cry without the privilege of expression, but with the curse of secrecy. a cry more hurting than death, but without the shelter of tears.
nothing else can be compared to being raindrops on your face and your clothes, as you wipe yourself dry without thought, but out of necessity.
nothing else have i found. nothing else will i find. neither have i found blame or fault. but true emotion, true expression i've found, in being you.
Posted by daren at 10:26 PM
the bitter, the sweet.
love in a poet's heart, is like a sword in the hands of a warrior.
for good, for evil.
PS: look at esmond's blogg.
Posted by daren at 04:35 PM
May 04, 2002
like silence.
the day passes blindly, as clouds settle themselves high above us. raindrops have become tears and sweet nectar, acid. a world changing before each of our indifferent souls.
a peace so violated by man made futures, promising emptiness and nothing more.
Posted by daren at 11:11 PM
May 03, 2002
:)
it's sweet release when you finally find a song you've been looking for since you were a kid. and that's where i am at this moment, released.
download of the day
(Out Here) On My Own - by Nikka Costa
don't worry its not metal, or hardcore, or jazz.
PS: this song has been done by millions of people. but Nikka's special.
Posted by daren at 01:15 PM
sacrifice, compromise.
wanna see the smile on your face. wanna see sunshine in your eyes. wanna hear laughter and feel joy from within you. wanna know you'll only be sad today. wanna make you feel like the world. want you to know that you're one and only.
is it wrong? is it wrong to want to give the world to someone? it is true, some give out of fear of losing. or even fear of being wrong, or right. but i ask you, is it wrong to give out of love? to give everything just to make you feel like wonders and dreams? the way god gave life, and we took it and ran away with it. was it worth it for god to do that?
out of love a portion of myself i offer up to you.
Posted by daren at 02:26 AM
May 02, 2002
what lies within.
save some of yourself for yourself. don't invest too much of yourself in others. why bother to stick your nose into someone's business? you know it won't work so bother with trying to fix it? why did you reveal so much of yourself?
'boy ah, the tamiya will not work lah, don't need to try to fix. ah ma buy you a new one ok? ok?'
i don't need a new one. i want this one to work. call it pride or call it faith. whichever you prefer. i want this one to work. society will not squeeze me into a corner i don't want to. apart from God, no one else can tell me what to do. i'll submit and i'll give all the time, and i'll believe in the things i have to. but no one will shake this faith. but i'm wrong. people shake it all the time. society shoves me aside all the time. i give in. confusion takes over, and the friction within myself causes pain.
maybe no one truly knows each other. i guess. like the masks we wear, maybe these are just projected images of ourselves. the heart deceives. the way darkness does. i wish i knew myself. i wish i did the right things. i wish. beneath the bloodline of my heart, lies evil. no one knows the lies i've told, no one knows the lust i knew, no one knows the greed i had, no one knows the pride within, no one knows the wrath that shook me. like malice. a malice so pure. a malice with its back turned when in a crowd, and its arm raised to strike when no one's looking.
this is just the beginning.
Posted by daren at 10:58 AM
like death.
i like it at this time of night. when it's actually morning, but it feels like its night. i think this is the time of the day where your soul feels closest to your body. everything's frozen in time, and i am part of it.
tonight is torn. the weather isn't right. somehow i had hoped that it wouldn't come to this, but it did. the way i heard it, it did. everything i wished for has turned to vapour, and all i held on to is now gone. i guess things truly are better this way. it's the sorrow of crows who fly alone, fading into the black metal sky. i don't know what to think anymore. forget it. forget me.
leave the world behind, and fly away.
Posted by daren at 04:57 AM
May 01, 2002
insomnia eyes.
there aren't enough words to say you're something i've lost that i'll never find again. there aren't enough words to make you feel like you knew. there aren't enough words to convince you that reality is blind. and there aren't enough words to give you what's mine.
under watchful insomnia eyes, you dance with steps of a ballerina, light as feathers blown about in the breeze. sometimes i wish even i understood,
my melancholic insomnia eyes.
Posted by daren at 09:16 AM
where are you?
i've definitely been reading one too many novels on relationships, love and family. haha. forgive me people:)
this is something i wrote a while back. posted it before as well. but like i said, blogging is a totally self-indulgent activity. i don't see any other way. cept maybe the girls' bloggs. oh well.
solemn skies
where do you find joy?
such beautiful creation
much more than sight
they take pride in being
yet they are without
another.
solemn skies,
take your flight
find your joy in being.
i dreamt we danced
on the rings of saturn
with the feathers of doves
as carpet for our feet
such is the fact
of a dream
so impossible
Posted by daren at 01:42 AM
April 30, 2002
whispers.
from inside here, i can see the rain. the way it makes patterns of light. but i can't hear it, it's lost its rhythm. the rain isn't feeling well today, like the rest of the world.
maybe things will never change. maybe this voice will become a whisper in a sea of screams. it's the voice inside you, inside all of us, whether you know it or not. to stand up for something you believe in and refuse to let go of, to fight for a cause, like fighting for love. somehow the rain soothes it. i've heard people say that needs become wants if you let them linger on for long enough. maybe it's like the way tomorrow will never be today. both impossibilities.
i wish i could hold you close and whisper the world into your soft, gentle ears. then you'd know that you were the world i knew. the world i understood. or to tell you that when you died, you came alive. not in the world, but in me, where no one could see. in this world inside me. i wish you knew that sorrow is but a tool to me, to understand where we were in the world when it rained.
your death is but a whisper, in the exact same way i am a whisper away from you.
your world was yours to keep, and take away.
the same way tomorrow will never be today.
Posted by daren at 10:39 PM
April 27, 2002
a nightless shade.
yet again, i am a face full of morose expression. inside me convulsions take place from the neverending hanker for a necessary want. shades of night shelter my soul from deep passion, the passion that i fear every waking moment. it seems like eternity, to watch from afar, but i must. but i must.
Posted by daren at 01:05 AM
April 26, 2002
the darkness.
everyday i wish everything was you. to lose myself in you.
it's dark where i awake. the dust-filled air chokes me like the way smoke chokes a baby. there is silence and fear. the line is blurred between them, and all i do is grope around in the dark.
Posted by daren at 01:25 AM
it is excellent.
i've just finished tony parson's first novel, man and boy.
it is excellent
i've also finished two of nick hornby's books, about a boy, and high fidelity.
it is also excellent
i've finished chuck palahniuk's novel, survivor and am reading fight club now, also by chuck palahniuk.
it is excellent and will be excellent.
as you can see, i pretty much have been feeding on books due to the sudden surge in free time in my timetable. it is excellent.
but somehow, i still sound forlorn. so forlorn.
Posted by daren at 01:15 AM
April 25, 2002
my savage.
wings of feathers
from flight
find perfect place
in a realm that isn't
once, a little sparrow let itself run aground from the air on my ledge. i took it as mine the minute i saw it and built for it a home of comfort.
my heart's stillness
like midnight waters
play ground to roots
that will never grow
strangely, i found a piece of me inside this little friend, and soon it became a loved one. i loved it more than i knew. i loved it more than God.
in pain, my cries are silent
in light, a bloodless face
at cause, my means are empty
at night, i melt to waste.
they say if you love someone, set them free.
i loved. i wanted to see it fly away. i needed it to come back, but it couldn't. it doesn't belong. i loved. i was an absconder of reality.
do a moonlight flit
but wait for closed eyes
just so it won't hurt
enough to cry
soar as high
as the wind will take you
don't return
unless you ever want to
a mindless face is worth
a thousand smiles
because a longing soul
deducts mind from face
to show
that i long for you.
Posted by daren at 02:20 PM
April 23, 2002
dear twig.
where are you? my screams have been silenced by your absence and everything has turned to dust. i feel withdrawn from myself, like i've lost myself.
i can't understand. i can't comprehend the stillness i'm in when i'm without. what an eye's tear can envelope, is more than what churns inside me. somehow it always seems like a battle fought without weapons, or a night of slumber with open eyes. a fallen branch leaves itself on the ground, waiting to dry up and die. i've nothing but the parched ground to wither on and linger, in death's shadow. a twig in the path of a merciless stampede.
won't you pick me up?
Posted by daren at 12:27 AM
April 20, 2002
my great morning
love. some people wear love as fashion, some people feel love as emotion, some people think love as decision, some people show love by giving, some people treat love like hate, some people find love like gold, some people hold love like security, some people cry love like depression, some people hunt love like prize, some people receive love like gift.
this morning was beautiful, it can't get better. maybe it's the sun? or maybe it's just the stars. will be back to post later, because i can't let this morning go to waste:)
Posted by daren at 11:24 AM
April 19, 2002
i feel perfunctory sometimes, but don't we all?
i'm liking a word i found in my "word of the day" emails that i've been receiving badly. perfunctory.
go check it out.
Posted by daren at 03:19 PM
April 18, 2002
my line is this,
that i love you like the stars.
Posted by daren at 10:55 PM
April 15, 2002
* (a page of a diay)
just need to know what we had was real. that on nights like these, when you're not around to tell me, or say to me, that everything's lonely and quiet, and it's not just in my head, you'll still be somewhere near me. that everything i've given to you, was like watching a star, awaiting it's light, to love and caress me. nothing tells you how much i'm dying inside, and nothing tells me the way you look isn't the way i think you do.
i love you like the stars, and i watch you from afar. though the stars don't come out every night, still, i watch the nightsky for you. i search it for you. are you real little star? do you know i watch you when you're not around? sometimes i feel you're not around, and i can't seem to find you. but i think i forgot to look inside me. to find you inside me.
little star, let me close my eyes, and draw near to me when my eyes are closed. don't let me know you're there because i might grab on to you a little too tight. i know you have to go little star. i know you have to go every night, but i'm still going to watch you little star. you'll always be my little star.
Jordan
Posted by daren at 11:24 PM
April 14, 2002
my stand.
nice guys finish last. ALL THE TIME.
wanna know how i know? i'm a nice guy, and i ALWAYS finish last. ALWAYS.
Posted by daren at 02:03 PM
April 13, 2002
who found me?
it's my soul. the cry of millions put into the heart of one. continuously resounding sorrow makes up for the dead air around. like a storm, never knowing when it will pass, or how it will thicken through the night as it loads the unnatural earth with its burden. each raindrop brings its little sting of pain upon whichever individual, human or animal, and reminding us how earthen we are, like fragile pots. i shatter into infinity at the thought of being without you. without the one who is everything. everything i know, to me.
Posted by daren at 01:08 PM
April 12, 2002
nouveax
for the followers of my blog, those who are few and far between, pls note that everytime a post has the title with the asteriks thingy ' * ', it's a continuation of my little story. it'll get really interesting so stay tuned. for those to tune in to hear my heart's cry, well, it'll always be there. don't worry:)
Posted by daren at 03:18 PM
*
it's 2am. the streets of singapore have definitely seen better days. days where kampungs were in place of these concrete habitats and the grass was much greener. it probably tastes better too.
at an obscure little coffee shop near yio chu kang, two young working-class females dressed in typical party clothes sip their teh-os. nothing out of the ordinary for party-goers here in singapore on a saturday night i guess. nothing unusual. it's actually pretty boring, just like the rest of singapore.
'you going to tell him?'
'i don't know. it's going to be so hard, and apart from that, i still can't decide. what would you do if you were me?'
'aiyah, don't ask me. you know i'm really bad at these sort of things. i'm the last person who you should listen to. haha.'
'maybe you're right Jordan,' she smiles, 'oh well, i guess that's life isn't it? you win some, and you sure lose some alright!'
they both burst out laughing, only attracting more attention than the already attentive old men gathered at the next table, who never bothered to quieten their stares. the two of them are used to it i guess, being as young and gorgeous as they are. Jordan's handphone rings, they pay up and take their leave the same way they arrived; young, cool and composed, like the world was under their feet.
Posted by daren at 03:03 PM
switch?
start today thinking everything that is impossible is now possible, and everything that is possible is now impossible.
men can fly, but birds are rooted to the ground.
think of the possibilities.
Posted by daren at 12:01 PM
gone with the merchants of dreams.
i guess it's true. it's gone. like everything else is.
at least the sun will rise.
"magicians are merchants of dreams..." yeah right. merchants of dreams my arse. they'll never make my dream come true.
Posted by daren at 04:35 AM
April 11, 2002
without. without. without.
"you slipped from my arms, i knew you had to go. such a heavy heart, who could hope to hold?"
- stavesacre
maybe it's good that i've lost. maybe it's good that i'm trying to lose. i see myself in the mirror, banging my head repeatedly against the ground. from a distance i see myself, in such pain and anguish, yet still being hopeful of what is not. my sorrow still doesn't leave me and things remain unchanged, but i'm trying to lose, harder than anyone has been.
leave me alone. forget me. just because i'm different from you. maybe.
Posted by daren at 09:26 AM
April 09, 2002
self-indulgent? maybe. sorrow more likely.
what's left? all i've found is silence. a missing, an unfound emotion and withered tears. without the shade of night, my steps are made clear. yet somehow, my hands, my heart and my mind still remain the same, as though it were night. as i struggle to put on the day's mask, reality dawns upon me and with a tear, i leave myself behind once again. i take my emotions and write them in the palm of my hand and hide them, where no one can see.
nothing like a morning through these eyes.
Posted by daren at 12:39 PM
still.
still, this longing lasts throughout the night.
as i leave myself behind once again, from even familiar surroundings.
whatever makes me who i am, tonight, i leave on the floor, to try to give another.
Posted by daren at 02:49 AM
April 08, 2002
imagine*
when you can't give something you want to, it kinda makes you feel really inept, sometimes driving frustration into anger, and hence, causing you to fumble at every little thing. imagine you had child who wanted to fly, wouldn't you just want to give her a pair of wings? you could take her on an airplane, but it just wouldn't be the same. maybe it's a selfish desire that you want to fulfill by giving her something because it gives you self-satisfaction, or maybe you just need to see her happy and with faultless smiles on her face. or maybe, it's just love. love that drives us wild.
the morning i woke up to seems hazy with the rain. imagine you were a raindrop and you started thinking about your purpose in life, i don't think you would know how much you would mean to everything else on this planet and how precious you were, but instead, you'd think that your only purpose would be to fall to the ground, form up with other raindrops and go wherever the slopes take you, be it concrete or earth. funny how different i would be if i were a raindrop.
i wish you only knew what i was saying, because i can't say it any other way.
Posted by daren at 10:16 AM
tendencies.
you won't like me because i have the tendency to scream at inanimate objects such as pool balls when they don't do what i would have them to do. either that, or i talk to them as though we were best of friends.
you won't like me because i have the tendency to speak an alien language even though it's in english. no one seems to be able comprehend.
you won't like me because i have the tendency to watch movies alone and laze around everytime i get the chance to. even though the two of them don't really equate.
you won't like me because i have the tendency to write depressing poems that only make you feel worse after reading them. so don't.
you won't like me because i have the tendency to talk like a kid(to myself) when i'm alone at home.
Posted by daren at 01:23 AM
April 07, 2002
false dawn
A false dawn is when something makes you think that things are improving when really they are not.
how much of yourself can you be just to "complete your reality"? how much of yourself should you be just to "make things work"? where would we go from here? is that part of being selfless? just to complete the circle?
maybe it is. maybe it's not. but how much of yourself can you be, before you start to stick out and get judged? or maybe you won't?
i honestly don't know.
forget joy and mock society, and leave yourself behind.
Posted by daren at 10:56 PM
DSSP
from tuesday onwards, i'm going to start attending school. it's a school known as DSSP (daren's school of spiritual percussion). i'm afraid that's about all the information i can release right now. because i'll only find out the rest on tuesday.
Posted by daren at 06:01 PM
April 06, 2002
the futility of writing.
i've taken a step away from my mask, and let it continue to impress and bewilder. it's a nightly journey of struggle and wars that i go through just to try to keep my mask where it should be. the ironic thing is afterall, it's still a mask. sometimes even i fear myself, though i know who i am.
today i told a friend, that the best writers aren't writers, and that the best musicians aren't musicians.
is it just fear? or have i found a shortcut, and escape route while i'm running away from the storm behind? what use is there in running away from a merciless storm that is moved by the wind, something stronger than emotions?
everyday i'm awestruck by many things. sometimes it's people, or things or just facts of life. everyday i learn to respect something which i have totally no relation to.
Posted by daren at 12:16 AM
April 05, 2002
a sonnet.
One day I wrote her name upon the strand,
But came the waves and washed it away:
Again I wrote it with a second hand,
But came the tide, and made my pains his prey.
Vain man, said she, that dost in vain assay
A mortal thing so to immortalize!
For I myself shall like to this decay,
And eek my name be wiped out likewise.
Not so (quoth I), let baser things devise
To die in dust, but you shall live by fame:
My verse your virtues rare shall eternize,
And in the heavens write your glorious name;
Where, whenas death shall all the world subdue,
Our love shall live, and later life renew.
-edmund spenser
Posted by daren at 12:25 PM
queries?
guess tonight isn't the night is it? thanks for everyone who has stayed up. unkowingly, i've found a part of myself. maybe i'm living in denial? who knows?
guess tonight isn't the night.
goodnight.
Posted by daren at 12:51 AM
April 04, 2002
just watchÖ
Yet another night passes before me in wonder. with my pack of gummy bears for company, i succumb to the thoughts that force themselves into my head. constantly trying, always missing, leaving myself behind. maybe it's just me, or is it you? like a dream, that i find in a sleep where silence is the only noise i hear. guess it's like that, when you've fallen to the ground and shattered into a million pieces, not knowing where you are. why? why does my wishing never come to knowing? or just embracing the fact of you? understanding has lost its meaning when it becomes just a plain passing of information. like the stars who find themselves so far away from each other, they too are in splendour, but never near. to heal a wound that has never been scarred.
reality without presence kills.
Posted by daren at 11:43 PM
April 03, 2002
me?
everyone who is into blogging DEFNIITELY has to take this test. do it for me. please.
Posted by daren at 05:54 PM
hey look! i'm normal!
Dear diary,
i promised mandy i'd watch her show. after i did, i asked her what the title had to do with the movie. she said i was being sarcastic and mocking her, after which she slapped me. i told her she looked really pretty, that she acted so well, and was really drawn to her. she slapped me again. she said that she knew all that and didn't need all that sweet talking bullshit. then gave me a swift kick in the groin area and said: "that's for being a jerk! i never want to see you again. you just talk too much!"
i don't think i'll ever see her again.
Posted by daren at 05:11 PM
April 02, 2002
the lachrymose individual, me.
sadness to me is like a dagger without a handle.
a thousand shades
of cheerlessness
that edge to grief
play veil to my face
savage armies of profound
sorrow overrun my heart
making being,
too onerous to bear
making me derelict.
insofar as i have
become numb to pain.
nightless slumber
found rest in me.
Posted by daren at 09:58 PM
April 01, 2002
you damn tfu tfu.
oh well, i've tried to be normal at least.
guess i'm just another strange font. might as well be wingdings.
and i'm sweetly missing. who knows who anymore. who knows who.
Posted by daren at 01:40 AM
berry widowed sundown blues
i told a friend tonight about how unreadable my blogg really is, and how even if someone wanted to say something, they wouldn't know what to say. strangely, i find blogging a totally self indulgent past time. maybe that's why? i don't know.
however, i strive to change.
tomorrow shall be today, and today be a new day.
Posted by daren at 01:16 AM
March 31, 2002
solitude's bliss.
everybody needs solitude. those who think they don't, usually just fear who they really are. maybe they try to soothe it by spending time with everyone else but themselves.
sometimes it's good to face a wall with photographs of your different faces pasted from floor to ceiling.
and maybe, just maybe, some people need more solitude than others. this might seem selfish, but who's to say?
i guess i am no one to say. right.
wish i had a poem. maybe later.
Posted by daren at 05:20 PM
being without.
it's both weird and at the same time ironic, how i can feel so damn tired yet not be able to get to sleep. guess it's the load that's stuck in my head, on my mind. well at least that's what happened today.
i'm a wisher. always wishing. my wish for tonight: to know everything i don't.
i think people in general are "hiders". sigh.
discomfort swells in, taking me away from myself.
everyday i walk among dead souls, numb to reality.
ARGH. shut up daren. goodnight, and cheerios to one and all.
Posted by daren at 12:47 AM
March 29, 2002
Mellow Fridays.
As the title suggests, its a mellow friday.
sometimes expression can be shown in the lack of it. most of the time i feel like i'm on a lifelong quest. my mission: to be normal; aka common.
certainly don't feel too common today.
my plight makes my mind endless, like the aftertaste of melancholy.
Posted by daren at 02:43 PM
March 28, 2002
my 2 lines' worth.
i drew my heart in the sky and left it bare to all who pass. in this way, i pass another night, without regret.
Posted by daren at 11:32 PM
March 27, 2002
i'm a farrago of emotions
the night has brought the day's farrago of emotions to a moment where stillness makes up for everything that's left. far beyond that, not a single drop of mood remains. in bewilderment of any objective form of writing, it's hard to put pen to paper. unless it be such, i plead that exterior influences might assist the objectives as such.
which also means
finally, it's night time, where i get to rest my emotions and what's left of it. don't feel much today. i can't write because i feel too much to write objectively. please help me, give me topics to write about that might interest you or me.
i've been thinking, and i've came up with a theory, and it is as such.
"The Good Ones Always Go."
Posted by daren at 12:35 AM
March 26, 2002
the first say.
solemn skies
where do you find joy?
such beautiful creation
much more than sight
they take pride in being
yet they are without
another.
solemn skies,
take your flight
find your joy in being.
Posted by daren at 12:24 AM
posted by macabre maximillium @ 11:53 PM
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